Tag: worry

Precious Time

The older you become the more you realise how precious your time is. I have, at least. I am so conscious of who I spend my time with, where I go and what I do. Sometimes I feel like the minutes really matter.

I didn’t feel this until my Grandad died. It hit me like a tonne of bricks – we are not here forever. This was a long time ago now; and the older I have become the more prevalent it has felt.

I have always struggled with time management. In work, socially and at home. I am late – a lot. I hate that. I think it has something to do with my anxiety (which is NO excuse!) because even when I have plenty of time; I spend it checking and re-checking things.

It takes a long time for my head to put things into a logical order and become routine. I find it really difficult. It has become a real sticking point with my recovery as I feel that I start things with great intentions and unless they become a habit, I tend not to do them. Despite that, I am SUPER grateful that I don’t have an addictive personality – sometimes I do think it may help me along though!

I’ve found lock-down a difficult time to have routine; normally I get up, dressed, breakfast, kids to school, clean the house etc. Very similar routine every week – certain days included visits to family, friends etc. Obviously now that has gone out of the window. At first I found it quite calming because I needed a break but now I can feel the need for order in my life.

I have began to implement a routine myself. Previously my mindset was very much that ‘if I don’t have to, then why do it!’ I used to think people that woke up at 5am were insane – like what the fuck!? Why!? I still kind of do actually… 🙂 Anyway now I am getting up at a regular time. No lay ins, it’s not healthy. If I am unwell I will sleep but otherwise I am UP.

Not only is this routine helping with my mental health; it is giving me more ‘time’ to spend with others. I have a full morning and full afternoon to social distance visit family, to take the children out, to clean the house. It’s refreshing, I just wish I had some more stability within it all.

A lot of decisions are being made FOR people at the moment, which is weird. I don’t like it. I’m slowly getting used to it though.

xo

Reducing Medication?

Recently I have been wondering – do I need to take anti depressant and anti anxiety medication?

I know when I was prescribed these things I certainly needed them however this was years ago. I get a bi-monthly medication review which consists of the doctor calling me and asking if I am OK. That’s it. It seems a bit odd to me. Maybe it’s just easier to keep people medicated? Maybe I should ask to reduce my dose? I’m not sure.

It is a tricky subject because when you start to feel like you are coping or… ‘better’ then you would think it’s time for reducing medication. I have thought this for a while now because even though there is still A LOT of crap going on; I am certainly coping with it much better. But then I get anxious – how would I feel if I reduce the meds? Would I crash? Go back to square one? It’s really difficult to know.

I have been through the on/off cycle with medication before and I remember it all in a fairly hazy way. My brain seems to block bad memories out and leaves me with a blank space that has to piece together fuzzy thoughts. Last time I reduced my meds I felt great afterwards. I felt I had more energy – anti anxiety tablets made me slightly drowsy and relaxed my muscles a little too much. I started to disbelieve the need to medicate for a short while.

Oddly, the anxiety medication helped relieve migraine symptoms also (a major cause for my anxiety – the thought of getting a migraine makes me anxious – lovely!) With that in mind the doctor upped my prescription and told me to take them until further notice. This routine is still with me, it is every day. I am genuinely terrified of stopping this routine as I feel my migraines and anxiety will trigger each other and cause a downward spiral.

So that is the anxiety stuff, I am keen to keep on it for now until I find a better solution for my migraines.

So on to the anti depressants. I take Citalopram. It’s a common drug used to treat depression and low mood. When I began taking this I felt I needed it. I felt that suicidal thoughts would no go away until I started taking something to alter my thought patterns – it worked. Now I am not saying these tablets should be used as a quick fix as this lasted months and took a while to take an effect.

I guess now I am feeling that I am able to control my mood better and recognise the depressive patterns and symptoms before they escalate too much, yet I still worry about reducing medication. I suppose it has become a crutch, a coping mechanism. Something that I am afraid to let go of until I feel ‘ready.’ I’m really worried I’ll never feel ready.

xo