Intrusive Thoughts

Whilst chatting with a friend, she revealed that everyone has intrusive thoughts. I found that hard to believe, some people seem far too level headed for that shit.

So I spent a little time researching it and apparently it is true – nearly everyone will have experienced intrusive thoughts at some point in their life.

You see the idea of the thoughts is not that you want to harm, hurt or do anything bad – it’s just a thought. It’s not an action. There is no intent behind it.

When I experience intrusive thoughts- I panic. I feel like a complete nut case and wonder what the fuck my head is doing to me. I had them so often at one point that I continually that I thought I was losing my mind.

I’ve mentioned in previous blogs that I had post natal depression and anxiety. During that time the intrusive thoughts were so intense that I would feel debilitated. A simple trip to the shops would end in panic attacks. Bus journeys would send my anxiety through the roof. People talking to my baby – no! I felt like everyone was a threat.

The problem with these thoughts is that when I look back, I know they are completely irrational (that majority of the time!) and I know that my brain is thinking them because ultimately I want to protect my babies. That being said; when I am in the full throes of a panic attack there is absolutely no way I can use that rationale. It is just not possible.

Apparently it is something to do with fight or flight, the adrenaline, the brain preparing you for potential conflict. It’s a useful tool to have, it’s just a shame it is something that massively clouds judgement and ‘normal’ behaviour.

During my research, I learnt that intrusive thoughts can be particularly bad for a person with OCD. This is something my therapist has suggested I may be suffering from – we are going to look into it when my sessions come to a close. That could explain the severity of the intrusive thoughts and could provide some insight as to why they can feel so debilitating.

I am now learning to accept these intrusive thoughts, allow them in but not let them take a hold. It is really fucking hard. There are days I just can’t do that. But the good days are outweighing the bad at the moment, so I am certainly achieving something.

Mental Health Influenced by Fiction

I’m a big reader. I love to read. Mainly fiction books with the occasional autobiography thrown in for good measure.

My therapist recommends reading as a tool to calm myself. I literally have to sit down and relax when I open a book – I suppose it’s quite tricky reading whilst trying to mop the kitchen floor! I agree, it’s a useful tool. It encourages me to sit still and re-shift my focus onto something else that isn’t based on my anxieties/problems of the day.

Whilst I find that useful, it also strikes me that the content I am reading should have an impact on how I am feeling. I enjoy reading thrillers, crime novels, police procedural books – that kind of thing. The general theme for these books is death – something I am very much afraid of- and uncertainty. Over the months in therapy sessions, it has been realised I have a massive aversion to uncertainty. I hate not being prepared for every eventuality. Reading these books instils a massive feeling of uncertainty; the whole ‘who dunnit’ vibes that push the story along, the not knowing until the last chapter.

The majority of my therapy sessions centre around aversion to uncertainty and the theme of me being afraid of dying or leaving my children behind; or something happening to my close family. It is a real fear for me, a massive subject that sparks my anxiety.

Weirdly though, I can sit and read hundreds of pages a week about death and all the things that come with it and it doesn’t make me flinch. Some descriptive scenes can make me wince slightly but as it is a character it doesn’t have the same impact on me. Or so I like to think.

I noticed that I struggle massively when watching programmes with intense story lines. I have stopped watching soap operas due to the dramatic, negative feelings that bring to my living room. I also have to choose what I watch carefully, dependant on my mood. If I have had a hard day, I cannot sit and watch something sad that can potentially trigger negative thoughts.

Over the last few months, I have tried to keep track of my feelings after reading a particularly rough story line. I figured my brain may react the same way it does to the TV programmes.

I’m finding it difficult. If I need to relax – I choose a book over TV. I sit in the bath and read. Whilst I find the process of reading relaxing, the content does appear to have an affect on my mood. Some days it will not bother me at all, but others it will make me feel anxious. Checking the doors are locked, checking on my children more, calling my mum to check she is OK.

I have had this problem with social media. During tough times in the world (Covid, elections, BLM protests etc) I have really struggled comprehending a lot of online content. I have deleted my Facebook account as I find some articles too triggering yet the desire to continue scrolling and delving deeper was too strong. It took a while to get over that and not ‘want’ to look on Facebook anymore.

I suppose at the moment in time, I am trying to recover from a mental health crisis. My brain is very fragile and can react to stimulus in different ways. I don’t feel it would be healthy to completely block any negative stimuli, for example; a ban on books, social media etc. I think that would be counterproductive. I am unsure HOW to deal with it though. I monitor what I watch on TV, I can control how long I spend on social media or what platforms I choose to use.

I COULD choose not to pick a book up – but I really enjoy reading. I could choose a different genre of writing but I think I would lose the passion for reading; I find other stuff hard to read. Maybe the only solution is to read when I feel OK? Sometimes though, the process of picking up a book and relaxing is what MAKES me feel OK.

It’s a tricky situation to be in. I don’t want to completely cut myself off from anything I enjoy; I was happy to do it with social media. It felt cathartic. I want to keep my books for now!!

Standing Out

Therapy last week consisted of me being made aware that there are points in my life where I have experienced trauma and how they link to my cycles of depression.

We looked back to the ‘start’ of my depressive episodes, pin-pointing high school bullying as the catalyst to the majority of my negative feelings. I was asked if I had experienced depression during primary school to which I responded that no, I was happy. The question altered slightly. Had I experienced any trauma in primary school? I thought back to a time that has always stuck in my mind.

At the beginning of the conversation I said I remember the event as clear as day, despite it being over 20 years ago. The process of talking about these events meant people, feelings and thoughts were described, along with the general idea of the situation. I shared information about a childhood encounter with a slightly older boy, who followed me and watched me repeatedly at school during break times. I felt under surveillance and very scared.

What happened that day has never struck me as relevant to my current situation, however, throughout the years I have thought about the event multiple times – recalling that I felt incredibly uncomfortable.

The therapist highlighted that this event must have evoked a strong feeling to be recalled so easily, which rang true. He had asked me to recall my first day at school. I couldn’t. My first pair of shoes. I couldn’t. The reasoning behind this is that the negative memory of the boy following me was more than likely my first real feeling of fear.

I was then asked to find the person in question and tell him how it has affected me. I suggested that was a ridiculous idea. The therapist presses on. Why? Why is it ridiculous? This person made you feel uncomfortable. Why not go and tell him? My response was that it wouldn’t be a very ‘adult’ thing to do, that it’s a bit silly.

Is it?

When I reflect on this- after the conversation – I realise the therapist’s point. It isn’t silly, maybe I could find some closure? (Despite this – I would never find the guy!!) I think about similar situations – I hate the idea of being watched, I constantly feel like I am being followed when walking in public, I don’t like people walking directly behind me in case they grab me.

The link may be tenuous and have no relevance. There have been similar situations as an adult – being followed from the train station, having a customer continually watch me through racks of clothes, day in day out. These could prove more relevant and to have shown greater impact with my anxiety. Simply being a woman could be the reason I feel anxious when in this position – we are constantly made to feel we have to watch our backs, protect ourselves, be vigilant – classic victim blaming. Anyway, I digress. Is it an acceptable thing to go and find those who have done you wrong, express how you have been affected by their behaviours?

In this situation I think no, this guy was a child at the time. He didn’t know the affect he was going to have on me. Then I push forward. High school, a time of great trauma for me. Surely these bullies should be held accountable for their actions? They were much older – around 14, 15. It took me years to find the answer to this and it is simply; no.

They should not be held accountable. If you would have asked me this during the events; the answer would be the complete opposite. I wanted revenge, I wanted to fuck them up so bad. I used to day-dream that I would react to them, hit them, make their lives hell. I never did.

I sometimes wish I had done, just to see what had happened. Despite that, I never wanted to hurt anyone, I just wanted them to feel how I did for one minute so they knew what they were doing. I built a wall during that time, a tough exterior. I became the funny one that would let shit bounce off me. I became rougher around the edges and I pushed people away who wanted to get close for a very long time; a way to protect myself.

I refer back to my actions during my teenage years. I didn’t always make the greatest decisions. If I had been held accountable for every misdemeanour I had partook in; I would be a completely different person now. This makes me consider the age of consent, another reason why I believe those people shouldn’t be held accountable. Consent laws are in place to protect vulnerable people – children. And yes, I know they don’t seem vulnerable when they are kicking the shit out of the geek or throwing eggs at the goth kid – yet the fact still remains.

After all of this – I find myself asking WHY has it taken me over 15 years to come to a conclusion about this? Experience? Forgiveness? Motherhood? Age? Maybe a combination of those? I don’t know. This isn’t really a complete conclusion anyway, it is just a collection of thoughts and questions.

I can’t profess that I have fully forgiven some people within all of this, because I haven’t. The issues it created within me have affected my life since and continue to do so. I am trying to understand though, I really am.

Being a teenager in a rough school is tough – I know that. I had the bravery (or stupidity?) to stand out and be an individual and I got thrown to the wolves.

Big Break

I have had an 11 month break from posting on here. I started with good intentions then left it to go to shit. That was unintentional. I had found blogging to become a chore (after what, 4 posts! I know….) so I knocked it on the head.

I’m glad I kept the blog though, I can now see where I was and where I am.

11 months is a long time. It shocks me a little to think that I have been riding the wave of the aforementioned ‘crisis’ for over a year. Time has flown by. I have managed to get therapy during this time which is slowly helping, yet difficult as it brings up a lot of old thoughts and feelings.

Of course during all of this, the world has experienced a pandemic (ongoing!) and it has caused a massive chain of events that has changed everything for everyone. I haven’t really had the time to sit down and blog.