The Kids

One incredibly worrying thought is how every aspect of my health affects my children. Of course, this blog focuses on my mental health as this is predominantly what changes the day to day with us. My physical health is good, I am young enough and healthy.

We talk openly about mental health – I firmly believe you should as a parent. You OWE your children that. When I look at suicide stats across the world; I panic. It makes my blood run cold. I have fallen foul to the lack of mental health services throughout the UK and I am incredibly lucky to be accessing them now. I genuinely feel if I hadn’t gotten the help I needed; I may not be here.

That fucking scares me. It terrifies me. I don’t want this shit for my kids. I want them to grow up feeling mentally strong and healthy. There is so much shit goes on in every single person’s life, it’s a wonder we all cope. I see signs of anxiety creeping in with my pre-teen daughter and I am worried about how she will cope with this.

I will continue to be open, but, should I be doing more? Accessing services for her? Helping her work through things or letting her use her own resilience to work things out? It’s really hard to know where to step in. I don’t want to be too overbearing and upset her about it; talking about anxiety is really bloody hard.

Things Have Never Been So Swell

That’s a lie.

It’s up and down. Some things just don’t feel right some days.

It’s been a while since I posted. I have been caught up in so much. Nothing important. Nothing dramatic. Just stuff, too much of it.

Every time I see my mental health decline it is because of too much stuff. The baggage.

I’m starting to wonder if I can actually get to a point where I can function – mentally – whilst being able to have shit going on around me.

Right now that doesn’t seem possible. I can’t do too much without reverting to a vulnerable, fragile wreck. It is so fucking frustrating.

I literally want to put things in the bin, get rid of them. All my feelings about the sad stuff, all the responsibilities that have been handed to me – without my consent. I can’t seem to get rid of them at the moment. I know part of being an adult is taking on responsibility. I accept that as a parent, as a partner. I accept it as a grandchild and child too – but I shouldn’t have to do SO much. I am fucking exhausted. I can’t hold everything up.

I actually can’t.

Crowbar

You know what I mean – that horrible feeling of feelings you don’t want to feel, that get wrenched through your brain in the form of a dream. I fucking hate it.

The beauty of my recovery has been regaining control over my mental health on my own terms. I have written so much down, practised things, talked SO much etc etc… but I can’t control what I do in my dreams. The control thing has stemmed from my breakdown – that much is obvious. Maybe there are some deep-rooted issues in there from my childhood too but the recent urge to control is from the breakdown. I felt so lost and freaked out.

Now I DID have some control – I wasn’t sectioned and made to do things – but my doctor was insistent on me having to take time out, up my meds, get further help etc. That’s the kind of shit you have to do when you are a parent. You know you have to. Because if you don’t they take your parenting into consideration. Are you capable to look after children if you won’t look after yourself? All of that shit. So I may have had ‘control’ but I certainly didn’t have a choice. [FYI; I wanted to get better too so it’s all good.]

So from all of that I have built this new part of my personality where I want to be able to manage what goes on in my mind. I think it’s a healthy trait to have; it seems to be helping me loads. It is making me more aware of the things I do, the actions I take, the choices I make and so on. During therapy I have been told that increased awareness is a very valuable thing.

I am careful not to micromanage myself. I believe that will lead to failure, ultimately. I have always beat myself up if I didn’t achieve what I wanted or what was expected; so I don’t want to go down that road.

Despite me saying you can’t control the dream side of things; I think being in better mental health certainly does improve ‘bad dreams’ and their frequency. During my breakdown I would suffer immensely scary night terrors including sweating, palpitations, loss of reality. It was horrible. I don’t get that anymore but the odd dream creeps in and freaks me out.

I’m trying to not let it set me back but it’s really hard. It was about a very close family member who is poorly, so it is quite an emotive subject for me – very personal.

Onwards and upwards ey.

The Crash

If you suffer with your mental health, you may have experienced what I refer to as ‘The Crash.’

It happens with me after a bout of depressive mood or high anxiety. I am so exhausted. So exhausted. It takes time and energy to even think about completing tasks; never mind starting them. It feels like I have ran a mental marathon and I need a hot bath and a few days rest to recover.

In some ways, I find this the hardest part of my mental health issues as I can kind of deal with the depression as I have gotten so used to it over the years. I think that may have something to do with how aware I have become lately? My recovery is a very ‘active’ process. I am really pushing to get myself better. I am writing, blogging, reading and pursuing happiness!

In the past; I have taken the meds and done the therapy in a very passive way. I used to want to get better but I used to expect it to fall in to place itself. It certainly doesn’t. You have to be active in your recovery, you have to put the effort in. I’m not saying that is easy or possible for everyone but it is what I have learnt for myself.

This particular mental health crisis I have suffered was a big reality shock to me. It floored me. It made me feel worthless. These feelings hurt like hell and it has taken a lot of will power and strength to try and turn things around.

Because of this, I believe the crashes are affecting me more. I am trying to manage my mental health SO much that I am noticing every peak and trough. That is why I blog, also, to try and keep a record of how I am feeling and what I learning through recovery.

One thing I have found the most important is to stop punishing myself. At the beginning of all of this I punished myself because I could not work, I struggled seeing friends, I wasn’t the greatest partner, I didn’t play with my kids as much. I would spend all day shit talking myself because of all my failures.

I have learnt that being like that is utter bullshit. It’s BULLSHIT. It makes you feel a million times worse, it makes you act worse and accept shittiness because you feel that is all you are worth. Well NO. I am worth so much more. It has taken MONTHS of therapy for me to finally say that – it feels good.

I am a worthy person- worthy of love, affection, friendship, happiness. I am not a failure, I am succeeding in making myself better and making my life better.

Just Call On Me

I’ve noticed a pattern. Every time I start to get better; I put pressure on myself to help and support others. I feel like because I am doing OK, it is time to help those more needy. Therapy has taught me I am very empathetic. This, primarily, isn’t a bad trait but it does appear to let me down time and time again.

I have often been told that I care too much. It’s fine to care about the things that matter, sure. It’s the trivial things, other people’s problems, thing’s that don’t really affect me… they are what are my sticking point.

I’m not saying that I want to be LESS empathetic, I just want to get less sucked in to other’s peoples shit.

My therapist often asks me if I have ‘the resources’ to deal with a situation. They literally want me to see my mental health as a ‘pouring from an empty cup’ scenario. It is impossible. Of course it is. I don’t understand why it has taken me SO many years to grasp that I cannot run on empty. The constant pressure of jobs, children, families, friends – everything – makes me feel like I can’t stop.

Well of course I felt like this until I had a breakdown. I stopped being able to function correctly. I struggled to complete the most mundane of daily tasks. I got pretty good at sitting and crying though! Breakdown was a blessing. Much like lockdown. A stark, kick-in-the-teeth kind of reminder that I am not invincible. I cannot look after everyone.

As a result, I now try to categorise problems into little sections. Stuff I am capable of helping with, stuff that is totally out of my control etc. It’s not something that is coming easy to me. I find it infuriating to be honest. It is helping to put my worries and dilemmas into perspective though. It’s certainly a reality check! It’s insaaaanely easy for an outsider to tell me not to worry about something, that it is out of my control. It is not easy for me to put that into practice.

Take Covid-19 for example. I completely lost my shit about this initially, it terrified me. I had to be reminded – a lot – that it is totally out of my control. I can, however, control how I deal with it. I can protect myself by isolating, distancing, hygiene routines and avoiding crowds. It doesn’t make the problem go away but it helps alleviate the anxiety by being pro-active about it.

This leads me to a quote… “There are two types of people. Those who control their emotions and those who let their emotions control them.” Pretty fuckin profound eh.

Drink Lots of Water

I have just written a list of things to live by, rules, I guess.

My first and biggest rule is drink lots of water. It’s really fucking important. I can’t stress that enough.

Hydration is key to good brain function and it makes you feel a lot more human too!! I find it really helps when I am going through a bad bout of depression. It only helps when I remember to do it, though.

The list was prompted by the mind management book I am reading (I know I have talked about this in the last few posts – I am enjoying the book!)

I have typed my list up, printed it on nice paper and I am going to look at it every morning when I write my positive affirmations & reasons to be grateful (thank you to the person that suggested that in my comments!!).

I suppose the idea behind printing it out is that I can surround myself in my beliefs and positive words in the hope it will re-train my brain and give me a better outlook on life. I am hopeful. Half a lifetime of depression, suicidal thoughts and anxiety will not wash away with the creation of a poster but it seems a good start.

Another thing on my list; get lots of rest. This is a new one to me. I love to be busy. I hate to be still. I am very, very high functioning for a depressed person. I hate this so much. I don’t like to hate something that comes naturally but I get so overwhelmed and frustrated that my body will not slow down.

That is something else I am re-training within my brain. It is OK to rest. It IS OK. The world will not stop turning if I sit down and relax. I know these feelings centre around guilt. Guilt for not doing ‘enough…’ The idea that there is always something to be done. Housework, studying, reading, bathing the dog, visiting family, educating the kids… the list is endless… It is exhausting.

I actually welcomed lock down with open arms. Not the pandemic, the fear, the virus, the grim bits. I welcomed the slowness. The idea of not being able to do all the things I felt I needed to do. It has made me massively re-evaluate how I go about life. I am certainly learning that life is too short to give too much of a damn about how clean my house is.

My life always has and always will centre around family and love. I surround myself with the people I love for a reason. They make me feel good. I have learnt hard and fast that having negative people around you is a bad path to follow, I have let them go.

That’s all for now, remember to drink lots of water.

Purposeful Writing

The idea of this blog is to use writing as a cathartic tool. I want to be able to question things and write them down. I want to use is it a mechanism to aid my recovery. I believe it helps.

I’m not writing posts with the intention of becoming a blogger, I’m not writing to share with friends, I’m not writing because I want to discuss anything with anyone. I’m doing it for me. I think it will be useful to look back throughout the weeks, to see how far I have come. To potentially answer some of the questions I have asked.

You see mental health recovery isn’t a linear process. It is fraught with ups and downs. I can have a really good day; achieving many things and feel powerful. The next day can be a shambles. I know in the grand scheme of things the great days are building me up each time, creating a foundation for stronger mental health. I am lucky that I can see that now – as in the past I couldn’t.

Whilst reading a mind management book and during therapy sessions recently – I have realised that I have to WORK at myself to get better. When I started my sessions I expected someone to come in and just fix me. That was incredibly naive of me. This is down to me.

I have learnt that past trauma’s cause a lot of the negative behaviours that I demonstrate when having a particularly bad day.

I have also learnt that if I want to get better, I need to recognise when my resources are low.

I have learnt I have to start to love myself (work in progress – current progress….. 10%? 15%? Too low, regardless)

I have learnt that to help others I first must help myself.

I have learnt that to fully recover from trauma I have to understand it/make sense of it then let it go (very difficult, also work in progress!)

I have learnt that I know myself better than anyone else does.

I have learnt to understand my negative thoughts a little better.

I have learnt to set boundaries and say NO.

And the biggest lesson I have learnt is that I am not TRYING to get better. I am succeeding. I am seeing the differentiation between having a bad day and having a bad life. I am beginning to look at things in a more positive light. I am succeeding.

There is certainly a long way to go. I have a lot of things I do not understand yet. I am learning.

Practising Positive Affirmations

During a chat with a friend about mental health, she suggested writing positive affirmations daily.

Three nice things about myself – every… single… day!? It is SO hard.

I have an automatic response to regularly beat myself up, despite what I achieve. I’ll be honest it annoys the fuck out of me – but I still do it! Say for example; I complete a piece of work that achieves a really high score; I will still focus on the one grammatical error that is pointed out.

I am having to slowly train my brain to stop myself doing this. I know it isn’t going to be easy; particularly when I have a bad day.

A great deal of my therapy centres around the way I treat myself.

I am often told of my hypocritical positioning. I would never dream of treating others the way I treat myself; it’s harsh. So why do I do it to myself!!?? I’m certainly a hypocrite. It is years of self inflicted torment that I am trying to undo. Positive affirmations are only one small portion of this.

So I am trying it! I am a week into my positive affirmations. It’s actually quite lovely. I forgot what I had wrote on the first few days, so I just flicked back and it made me smile. I am super hopeful that continuing to do this will give me a book full of amazing things about myself.

I’m guessing that doing this alongside therapy will hopefully change my outlook and perceptions about myself. I hate that I treat myself this way; I would be devastated if my children did this to themselves. A habit can be broken. Taking tiny baby steps!!

Social Media Control

The number one reason I deleted Facebook: my mental health.

I was suffering. The constant negativity. The inaccuracies about current affairs. The pandemic. The bitching. The arguing. The ‘I’m doing better than you’ bullshit.

I deleted it to protect myself. I am vulnerable right now, more so back then – but it still remains.

At first I felt I was missing out, that feeling slowly dissipated. I decided that if people wanted to know what’s going on with me, they can get in touch – old school. This has actually helped build relationships with family members!

I logged on today to download my photo’s and videos – I have found it really hard not having access to photo’s, particularly as one of my therapy sessions included selecting 3 photo’s from the past!! (I had to call on my best friend to send some over.)

I’m so pleased I have got access to the photographs and videos now, lot’s of lovely memories and silly moments.

The first thing I noticed when I logged in was the top post on my news feed. A friend talking about the buebonic plague. I mean – fucking hell – that is not what I need right now. I didn’t read it properly; it vaguely debunked myths about the new plague hysteria.

I am all for people debunking myths, I really am. However, I found this behaviour is what led to my ‘downfall’ in social media land. I was constantly chasing people trying to educate them about the inaccuracies they posted. No, I wasn’t a member of the grammar police, I’m not one of them… I mean fake news, bad sources and sharing bullshit claims.

A lot of it at the time centred around the British public’s initial reaction to Covid-19. People became hysterical – making up stories and sharing ‘articles’ that had no factual content. This led me to have a severe panic attack during and after a regular appointment for therapy.

Other posts focused on race, religion and ethnicity. Now, bear in mind that I take pride in my close circle of friends – they are good people. I don’t associate with racists – but some people do. For example; a friend would post a killer article about the plight of refugees. I love that, educating their followers with a news feed full of beautiful accurate information. The problem I found was THEIR followers – commenting and trying to dissect things that were facts and when they failed, resorting to racism and xenophobia.

When I Initially deleted my account, I convinced myself it was because of the bad things happening; Covid, racism, sexism etc.

After a few months of reflection I realise it is not the subject matter of these things that cause me the problems. It is the way people use information and twist, contort and change it to suit their ideals.

I have learnt to search out the facts, educate myself and stop myself over-thinking by making assumptions. I love to learn about difficult topics, it is the only way I feel I can progress as a person.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I understand bad things happen and that they will affect me in one way or another. How I allow them to affect me is totally different though.

If I choose to read the bullshit posted on social media- I am part of the problem. If I choose to read from legitimate sources (not newspapers, folks) then I am allowing myself to develop. Then I get to choose if I am scared. I get to make that decision myself.

I suppose the outcomes of my experience are that;

-Reflection is really important. Always look back at where you were and see how you have developed.

-Allowing such a huge amount of information into your daily life can have dramatic consequences. I feel lighter since deactivation.

-Obtaining information from reputable sources – IE; people with lived experiences, scientists, non-biased news articles – is CRUCIAL to how you attach emotion to problems.

-I have SO much more time for myself and my family. I have time to reflect, to write, to clean more things, to walk more. That time used to be used exercising my thumb.

-If there is one bit of advice I can give it is – try! If you feel social media is a problem in your life and is dragging you down then deactivate for a while. It doesn’t have to be forever. I’m not completely social media free but I certainly choose my content wisely now – it is having a noticeable affect.

Reducing Medication?

Recently I have been wondering – do I need to take anti depressant and anti anxiety medication?

I know when I was prescribed these things I certainly needed them however this was years ago. I get a bi-monthly medication review which consists of the doctor calling me and asking if I am OK. That’s it. It seems a bit odd to me. Maybe it’s just easier to keep people medicated? Maybe I should ask to reduce my dose? I’m not sure.

It is a tricky subject because when you start to feel like you are coping or… ‘better’ then you would think it’s time for reducing medication. I have thought this for a while now because even though there is still A LOT of crap going on; I am certainly coping with it much better. But then I get anxious – how would I feel if I reduce the meds? Would I crash? Go back to square one? It’s really difficult to know.

I have been through the on/off cycle with medication before and I remember it all in a fairly hazy way. My brain seems to block bad memories out and leaves me with a blank space that has to piece together fuzzy thoughts. Last time I reduced my meds I felt great afterwards. I felt I had more energy – anti anxiety tablets made me slightly drowsy and relaxed my muscles a little too much. I started to disbelieve the need to medicate for a short while.

Oddly, the anxiety medication helped relieve migraine symptoms also (a major cause for my anxiety – the thought of getting a migraine makes me anxious – lovely!) With that in mind the doctor upped my prescription and told me to take them until further notice. This routine is still with me, it is every day. I am genuinely terrified of stopping this routine as I feel my migraines and anxiety will trigger each other and cause a downward spiral.

So that is the anxiety stuff, I am keen to keep on it for now until I find a better solution for my migraines.

So on to the anti depressants. I take Citalopram. It’s a common drug used to treat depression and low mood. When I began taking this I felt I needed it. I felt that suicidal thoughts would no go away until I started taking something to alter my thought patterns – it worked. Now I am not saying these tablets should be used as a quick fix as this lasted months and took a while to take an effect.

I guess now I am feeling that I am able to control my mood better and recognise the depressive patterns and symptoms before they escalate too much, yet I still worry about reducing medication. I suppose it has become a crutch, a coping mechanism. Something that I am afraid to let go of until I feel ‘ready.’ I’m really worried I’ll never feel ready.