I’m a big reader. I love to read. Mainly fiction books with the occasional autobiography thrown in for good measure.

My therapist recommends reading as a tool to calm myself. I literally have to sit down and relax when I open a book – I suppose it’s quite tricky reading whilst trying to mop the kitchen floor! I agree, it’s a useful tool. It encourages me to sit still and re-shift my focus onto something else that isn’t based on my anxieties/problems of the day.

Whilst I find that useful, it also strikes me that the content I am reading should have an impact on how I am feeling. I enjoy reading thrillers, crime novels, police procedural books – that kind of thing. The general theme for these books is death – something I am very much afraid of- and uncertainty. Over the months in therapy sessions, it has been realised I have a massive aversion to uncertainty. I hate not being prepared for every eventuality. Reading these books instils a massive feeling of uncertainty; the whole ‘who dunnit’ vibes that push the story along, the not knowing until the last chapter.

The majority of my therapy sessions centre around aversion to uncertainty and the theme of me being afraid of dying or leaving my children behind; or something happening to my close family. It is a real fear for me, a massive subject that sparks my anxiety.

Weirdly though, I can sit and read hundreds of pages a week about death and all the things that come with it and it doesn’t make me flinch. Some descriptive scenes can make me wince slightly but as it is a character it doesn’t have the same impact on me. Or so I like to think.

I noticed that I struggle massively when watching programmes with intense story lines. I have stopped watching soap operas due to the dramatic, negative feelings that bring to my living room. I also have to choose what I watch carefully, dependant on my mood. If I have had a hard day, I cannot sit and watch something sad that can potentially trigger negative thoughts.

Over the last few months, I have tried to keep track of my feelings after reading a particularly rough story line. I figured my brain may react the same way it does to the TV programmes.

I’m finding it difficult. If I need to relax – I choose a book over TV. I sit in the bath and read. Whilst I find the process of reading relaxing, the content does appear to have an affect on my mood. Some days it will not bother me at all, but others it will make me feel anxious. Checking the doors are locked, checking on my children more, calling my mum to check she is OK.

I have had this problem with social media. During tough times in the world (Covid, elections, BLM protests etc) I have really struggled comprehending a lot of online content. I have deleted my Facebook account as I find some articles too triggering yet the desire to continue scrolling and delving deeper was too strong. It took a while to get over that and not ‘want’ to look on Facebook anymore.

I suppose at the moment in time, I am trying to recover from a mental health crisis. My brain is very fragile and can react to stimulus in different ways. I don’t feel it would be healthy to completely block any negative stimuli, for example; a ban on books, social media etc. I think that would be counterproductive. I am unsure HOW to deal with it though. I monitor what I watch on TV, I can control how long I spend on social media or what platforms I choose to use.

I COULD choose not to pick a book up – but I really enjoy reading. I could choose a different genre of writing but I think I would lose the passion for reading; I find other stuff hard to read. Maybe the only solution is to read when I feel OK? Sometimes though, the process of picking up a book and relaxing is what MAKES me feel OK.

It’s a tricky situation to be in. I don’t want to completely cut myself off from anything I enjoy; I was happy to do it with social media. It felt cathartic. I want to keep my books for now!!

xo