social media – Blogging to Improve My Mental Health

The number one reason I deleted Facebook: my mental health.

I was suffering. The constant negativity. The inaccuracies about current affairs. The pandemic. The bitching. The arguing. The ‘I’m doing better than you’ bullshit.

I deleted it to protect myself. I am vulnerable right now, more so back then – but it still remains.

At first I felt I was missing out, that feeling slowly dissipated. I decided that if people wanted to know what’s going on with me, they can get in touch – old school. This has actually helped build relationships with family members!

I logged on today to download my photo’s and videos – I have found it really hard not having access to photo’s, particularly as one of my therapy sessions included selecting 3 photo’s from the past!! (I had to call on my best friend to send some over.)

I’m so pleased I have got access to the photographs and videos now, lot’s of lovely memories and silly moments.

The first thing I noticed when I logged in was the top post on my news feed. A friend talking about the buebonic plague. I mean – fucking hell – that is not what I need right now. I didn’t read it properly; it vaguely debunked myths about the new plague hysteria.

I am all for people debunking myths, I really am. However, I found this behaviour is what led to my ‘downfall’ in social media land. I was constantly chasing people trying to educate them about the inaccuracies they posted. No, I wasn’t a member of the grammar police, I’m not one of them… I mean fake news, bad sources and sharing bullshit claims.

A lot of it at the time centred around the British public’s initial reaction to Covid-19. People became hysterical – making up stories and sharing ‘articles’ that had no factual content. This led me to have a severe panic attack during and after a regular appointment for therapy.

Other posts focused on race, religion and ethnicity. Now, bear in mind that I take pride in my close circle of friends – they are good people. I don’t associate with racists – but some people do. For example; a friend would post a killer article about the plight of refugees. I love that, educating their followers with a news feed full of beautiful accurate information. The problem I found was THEIR followers – commenting and trying to dissect things that were facts and when they failed, resorting to racism and xenophobia.

When I Initially deleted my account, I convinced myself it was because of the bad things happening; Covid, racism, sexism etc.

After a few months of reflection I realise it is not the subject matter of these things that cause me the problems. It is the way people use information and twist, contort and change it to suit their ideals.

I have learnt to search out the facts, educate myself and stop myself over-thinking by making assumptions. I love to learn about difficult topics, it is the only way I feel I can progress as a person.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I understand bad things happen and that they will affect me in one way or another. How I allow them to affect me is totally different though.

If I choose to read the bullshit posted on social media- I am part of the problem. If I choose to read from legitimate sources (not newspapers, folks) then I am allowing myself to develop. Then I get to choose if I am scared. I get to make that decision myself.

I suppose the outcomes of my experience are that;

-Reflection is really important. Always look back at where you were and see how you have developed.

-Allowing such a huge amount of information into your daily life can have dramatic consequences. I feel lighter since deactivation.

-Obtaining information from reputable sources – IE; people with lived experiences, scientists, non-biased news articles – is CRUCIAL to how you attach emotion to problems.

-I have SO much more time for myself and my family. I have time to reflect, to write, to clean more things, to walk more. That time used to be used exercising my thumb.

-If there is one bit of advice I can give it is – try! If you feel social media is a problem in your life and is dragging you down then deactivate for a while. It doesn’t have to be forever. I’m not completely social media free but I certainly choose my content wisely now – it is having a noticeable affect.

I’m a big reader. I love to read. Mainly fiction books with the occasional autobiography thrown in for good measure.

My therapist recommends reading as a tool to calm myself. I literally have to sit down and relax when I open a book – I suppose it’s quite tricky reading whilst trying to mop the kitchen floor! I agree, it’s a useful tool. It encourages me to sit still and re-shift my focus onto something else that isn’t based on my anxieties/problems of the day.

Whilst I find that useful, it also strikes me that the content I am reading should have an impact on how I am feeling. I enjoy reading thrillers, crime novels, police procedural books – that kind of thing. The general theme for these books is death – something I am very much afraid of- and uncertainty. Over the months in therapy sessions, it has been realised I have a massive aversion to uncertainty. I hate not being prepared for every eventuality. Reading these books instils a massive feeling of uncertainty; the whole ‘who dunnit’ vibes that push the story along, the not knowing until the last chapter.

The majority of my therapy sessions centre around aversion to uncertainty and the theme of me being afraid of dying or leaving my children behind; or something happening to my close family. It is a real fear for me, a massive subject that sparks my anxiety.

Weirdly though, I can sit and read hundreds of pages a week about death and all the things that come with it and it doesn’t make me flinch. Some descriptive scenes can make me wince slightly but as it is a character it doesn’t have the same impact on me. Or so I like to think.

I noticed that I struggle massively when watching programmes with intense story lines. I have stopped watching soap operas due to the dramatic, negative feelings that bring to my living room. I also have to choose what I watch carefully, dependant on my mood. If I have had a hard day, I cannot sit and watch something sad that can potentially trigger negative thoughts.

Over the last few months, I have tried to keep track of my feelings after reading a particularly rough story line. I figured my brain may react the same way it does to the TV programmes.

I’m finding it difficult. If I need to relax – I choose a book over TV. I sit in the bath and read. Whilst I find the process of reading relaxing, the content does appear to have an affect on my mood. Some days it will not bother me at all, but others it will make me feel anxious. Checking the doors are locked, checking on my children more, calling my mum to check she is OK.

I have had this problem with social media. During tough times in the world (Covid, elections, BLM protests etc) I have really struggled comprehending a lot of online content. I have deleted my Facebook account as I find some articles too triggering yet the desire to continue scrolling and delving deeper was too strong. It took a while to get over that and not ‘want’ to look on Facebook anymore.

I suppose at the moment in time, I am trying to recover from a mental health crisis. My brain is very fragile and can react to stimulus in different ways. I don’t feel it would be healthy to completely block any negative stimuli, for example; a ban on books, social media etc. I think that would be counterproductive. I am unsure HOW to deal with it though. I monitor what I watch on TV, I can control how long I spend on social media or what platforms I choose to use.

I COULD choose not to pick a book up – but I really enjoy reading. I could choose a different genre of writing but I think I would lose the passion for reading; I find other stuff hard to read. Maybe the only solution is to read when I feel OK? Sometimes though, the process of picking up a book and relaxing is what MAKES me feel OK.

It’s a tricky situation to be in. I don’t want to completely cut myself off from anything I enjoy; I was happy to do it with social media. It felt cathartic. I want to keep my books for now!!