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You know what I mean – that horrible feeling of feelings you don’t want to feel, that get wrenched through your brain in the form of a dream. I fucking hate it.

The beauty of my recovery has been regaining control over my mental health on my own terms. I have written so much down, practised things, talked SO much etc etc… but I can’t control what I do in my dreams. The control thing has stemmed from my breakdown – that much is obvious. Maybe there are some deep-rooted issues in there from my childhood too but the recent urge to control is from the breakdown. I felt so lost and freaked out.

Now I DID have some control – I wasn’t sectioned and made to do things – but my doctor was insistent on me having to take time out, up my meds, get further help etc. That’s the kind of shit you have to do when you are a parent. You know you have to. Because if you don’t they take your parenting into consideration. Are you capable to look after children if you won’t look after yourself? All of that shit. So I may have had ‘control’ but I certainly didn’t have a choice. [FYI; I wanted to get better too so it’s all good.]

So from all of that I have built this new part of my personality where I want to be able to manage what goes on in my mind. I think it’s a healthy trait to have; it seems to be helping me loads. It is making me more aware of the things I do, the actions I take, the choices I make and so on. During therapy I have been told that increased awareness is a very valuable thing.

I am careful not to micromanage myself. I believe that will lead to failure, ultimately. I have always beat myself up if I didn’t achieve what I wanted or what was expected; so I don’t want to go down that road.

Despite me saying you can’t control the dream side of things; I think being in better mental health certainly does improve ‘bad dreams’ and their frequency. During my breakdown I would suffer immensely scary night terrors including sweating, palpitations, loss of reality. It was horrible. I don’t get that anymore but the odd dream creeps in and freaks me out.

I’m trying to not let it set me back but it’s really hard. It was about a very close family member who is poorly, so it is quite an emotive subject for me – very personal.

Onwards and upwards ey.

The Crash

If you suffer with your mental health, you may have experienced what I refer to as ‘The Crash.’

It happens with me after a bout of depressive mood or high anxiety. I am so exhausted. So exhausted. It takes time and energy to even think about completing tasks; never mind starting them. It feels like I have ran a mental marathon and I need a hot bath and a few days rest to recover.

In some ways, I find this the hardest part of my mental health issues as I can kind of deal with the depression as I have gotten so used to it over the years. I think that may have something to do with how aware I have become lately? My recovery is a very ‘active’ process. I am really pushing to get myself better. I am writing, blogging, reading and pursuing happiness!

In the past; I have taken the meds and done the therapy in a very passive way. I used to want to get better but I used to expect it to fall in to place itself. It certainly doesn’t. You have to be active in your recovery, you have to put the effort in. I’m not saying that is easy or possible for everyone but it is what I have learnt for myself.

This particular mental health crisis I have suffered was a big reality shock to me. It floored me. It made me feel worthless. These feelings hurt like hell and it has taken a lot of will power and strength to try and turn things around.

Because of this, I believe the crashes are affecting me more. I am trying to manage my mental health SO much that I am noticing every peak and trough. That is why I blog, also, to try and keep a record of how I am feeling and what I learning through recovery.

One thing I have found the most important is to stop punishing myself. At the beginning of all of this I punished myself because I could not work, I struggled seeing friends, I wasn’t the greatest partner, I didn’t play with my kids as much. I would spend all day shit talking myself because of all my failures.

I have learnt that being like that is utter bullshit. It’s BULLSHIT. It makes you feel a million times worse, it makes you act worse and accept shittiness because you feel that is all you are worth. Well NO. I am worth so much more. It has taken MONTHS of therapy for me to finally say that – it feels good.

I am a worthy person- worthy of love, affection, friendship, happiness. I am not a failure, I am succeeding in making myself better and making my life better.

Scrambled

I live in the UK. Certain towns and cities have announced their own new lock-down rules this morning. This means no visits to family members (which I was only doing very carefully) and no visits to care homes. I’m devastated. One of my closest family members lives in a care home and the idea of not seeing them is really upsetting.

I’m trying to think of the positives. What is upsetting is gyms, pubs, clubs and restaurants are still open yet I am not allowed to see my family in the garden? What the fuck? People are allowed to mix outdoors on benches and tables in pubs, go and get their hair done at close proximity but I can’t see my parents again?

I’m so fucking angry. It feels like a huge set back, I had come so far with my mental health and I honestly just want to hide away under my bedsheets.

Purposeful Writing

The idea of this blog is to use writing as a cathartic tool. I want to be able to question things and write them down. I want to use is it a mechanism to aid my recovery. I believe it helps.

I’m not writing posts with the intention of becoming a blogger, I’m not writing to share with friends, I’m not writing because I want to discuss anything with anyone. I’m doing it for me. I think it will be useful to look back throughout the weeks, to see how far I have come. To potentially answer some of the questions I have asked.

You see mental health recovery isn’t a linear process. It is fraught with ups and downs. I can have a really good day; achieving many things and feel powerful. The next day can be a shambles. I know in the grand scheme of things the great days are building me up each time, creating a foundation for stronger mental health. I am lucky that I can see that now – as in the past I couldn’t.

Whilst reading a mind management book and during therapy sessions recently – I have realised that I have to WORK at myself to get better. When I started my sessions I expected someone to come in and just fix me. That was incredibly naive of me. This is down to me.

I have learnt that past trauma’s cause a lot of the negative behaviours that I demonstrate when having a particularly bad day.

I have also learnt that if I want to get better, I need to recognise when my resources are low.

I have learnt I have to start to love myself (work in progress – current progress….. 10%? 15%? Too low, regardless)

I have learnt that to help others I first must help myself.

I have learnt that to fully recover from trauma I have to understand it/make sense of it then let it go (very difficult, also work in progress!)

I have learnt that I know myself better than anyone else does.

I have learnt to understand my negative thoughts a little better.

I have learnt to set boundaries and say NO.

And the biggest lesson I have learnt is that I am not TRYING to get better. I am succeeding. I am seeing the differentiation between having a bad day and having a bad life. I am beginning to look at things in a more positive light. I am succeeding.

There is certainly a long way to go. I have a lot of things I do not understand yet. I am learning.