Make Everything OK

I have an innate desire to make everything better. I want to help people, care for people, heal people. I don’t think I’m Ghandi or some shit, I just think people are put on this planet to love, nurture and support one another.

There is a LOT of bad in the world right now, there has been for a long time. Just off the top of my head I think Covid-19, black people being shot for nothing, the leader of the USA causing utter fucking chaos. I’m in the UK and these worldwide/American problems reach this far, too. It really shakes me.

I guess part of my anxiety is worrying over so many things. Generally things I cannot control, things I will never have control over. So I should just stop, right? I wish I could. So MUCH. I know I can’t change the racist, xenophobic views of the President but I firmly believe being part of world that does nothing is WRONG.

I try to be as vocal as possible about current affairs and things I see as wrong-doings. I see this as one of my positive attributes (see the positive affirmations is working!!). I do this, knowing that my impact is minute. Despite this, I like to think of fighting for what is right as having the ‘domino effect.’ If I can change one persons’ negative views, they could influence others.

The book I am reading discussed something similar, about changing people’s views. It said that in some cases you just cannot convince some people that your way is the ‘right’ way. You need to let them go! This is something I am going to practice. I have often gotten into debates with people about politics, nature, flat earth… the list is endless… and some people will listen. Some, however, will not accept that their view point is skewed, despite being given evidence to the contrary.

I need to learn to let them go.

On the more personal side of life, trying to help people is second nature to me. I will always do my best to make sure people are OK. Unfortunately this has become detrimental to my mental health, this has been part of the reason I have felt overwhelmed and overstretched. During therapy, it was suggested that I start to put myself first.

That is a difficult concept to somebody with two children and older family members to care for. I am trying this; I am finding it very hard. I see time relaxing as wasted time. I feel I always have to be on the go, doing something to help someone else.

It’s going to be a slow process learning more positive behaviours – I will get there 🙂 xo

Purposeful Writing

The idea of this blog is to use writing as a cathartic tool. I want to be able to question things and write them down. I want to use is it a mechanism to aid my recovery. I believe it helps.

I’m not writing posts with the intention of becoming a blogger, I’m not writing to share with friends, I’m not writing because I want to discuss anything with anyone. I’m doing it for me. I think it will be useful to look back throughout the weeks, to see how far I have come. To potentially answer some of the questions I have asked.

You see mental health recovery isn’t a linear process. It is fraught with ups and downs. I can have a really good day; achieving many things and feel powerful. The next day can be a shambles. I know in the grand scheme of things the great days are building me up each time, creating a foundation for stronger mental health. I am lucky that I can see that now – as in the past I couldn’t.

Whilst reading a mind management book and during therapy sessions recently – I have realised that I have to WORK at myself to get better. When I started my sessions I expected someone to come in and just fix me. That was incredibly naive of me. This is down to me.

I have learnt that past trauma’s cause a lot of the negative behaviours that I demonstrate when having a particularly bad day.

I have also learnt that if I want to get better, I need to recognise when my resources are low.

I have learnt I have to start to love myself (work in progress – current progress….. 10%? 15%? Too low, regardless)

I have learnt that to help others I first must help myself.

I have learnt that to fully recover from trauma I have to understand it/make sense of it then let it go (very difficult, also work in progress!)

I have learnt that I know myself better than anyone else does.

I have learnt to understand my negative thoughts a little better.

I have learnt to set boundaries and say NO.

And the biggest lesson I have learnt is that I am not TRYING to get better. I am succeeding. I am seeing the differentiation between having a bad day and having a bad life. I am beginning to look at things in a more positive light. I am succeeding.

There is certainly a long way to go. I have a lot of things I do not understand yet. I am learning.

Dissociation

I haven’t posted for a few days; I have been going through the motions of life but haven’t really been “here.”

Had a phone call that told me I am going to get some help, but it will take a month or two of waiting. Like I have said before I KNOW there are people out there that need the help more than me but I feel fucking helpless and want to get this sorted out.

It’s infuriating to just sit here and wait for life to go by until I feel like I can function again. I am doing all the “right” things (nearly) like getting out and about, fresh air, exercise, talking about my feelings and it doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t want to go on like this for months until I can see somebody.

One of the “problems” is I am low risk. I don’t want to kill myself. That’s music to the ears of the psych team as that means they can prioritize those that do. I’m glad of that. I have lost too many people to suicide to think that I need the help more than those do. It’s just fucking depressing to be left waiting. It is making me feel worse. My anxiety is building at the thought of going to these appointments.

One of the biggest problems I am facing currently is the “dissociation” thing. I feel like I have left my own body and am watching down at my life continuing. I’m not really here alot of the time. It’s similar to when someone is boring you to death and your eyes glaze over; but its constant – bored or not. It’s a real stumbling block that is affecting my mood more because people around me are noticing it. Maybe when I was working I could focus on a task more and be “busy” but now I look distant and like I don’t give a shit.

I’m going to go back to the doctors to see if there is anything else can be done in the interim period of “no therapy” because it can’t be right to just continue like this? I don’t know if that is the norm or not.

This is a very self pitying post and I fully realize that. I am in the kind of mood where feeling a little sorry for myself is proving cathartic so typing all of this and eating junk is a good idea.

Post Natal Depression

I suppose this post it to explain a little more about the “types” of mental health issues I have faced. I have suffered from anxiety and depression to varying degrees for the last 15 years. During my first pregnancy; I had to stop taking medication that helped control this.
Surprisingly, I did fine. I think the fact I was vomiting up to 30 times a day took my mind off my feelings, I had time for little else other than sleep.

Of course I was young and naive. I thought it was going to be a walk in the park – I was off my tablets, I would have a new baby to play with and I could do all the things new Mums got to do!

Unfortunately this didn’t work out the way I intended. During childbirth I had a near death experience resulting in indescribable trauma. The next few months meant little to me. I felt nothing, I barely remember visitors, nappy changes -anything. Hormone fluctuations are some serious shit. They send you bananas. It wasn’t easy to see how low I had gotten until I realized I didn’t leave the house unless absolutely necessary.

Having a new baby is meant to be this magical time – what the fuck?? Why is it so draining and difficult?! The guilt I felt that I wasn’t enjoying my experience as a new mother overtook my mind. I admitted to the doctor that I needed help again so I reverted back to medication.

With this brought new problems; I was going out more! This is good stuff. Until – it’s there – anxiety is creeping up and ready to strike at any one time.

Someone looks at me funny on a bus? Someone leans towards the pram to say hello? Somebody is walking too fast toward me? Any one of these situations would give me internal turmoil. My brain just couldn’t deal with it. It isn’t rational to stand their and think “this cute old lady will kill me and my child” but that is the thought process of an anxious mind. Fight or flight always kicked in and I would be off in the other direction, going home or getting off the bus far too early just to escape people.

Despite 15 years of bad mental health being an absolute piss take, it has given me the tools to understand when things are getting “too bad” and when I need to seek help for thoughts/feelings or actions. This helped during the worst times of post natal depression as I felt I could approach the professional services and get the help I needed. It took me 2.5 years to accept that child birth had caused me unfathomable mental trauma – with that I was referred to a cognitive behavioral therapist who excelled in understanding my needs. There are times I would visit her and she would put aside the plans for the session and ask me how the last week had been. She could see the depression oozing from me; from the way I sat, spoke, looked. It still amazes me how tuned in she was to what I needed.

CBT was a rocky road for me. Some sessions would leave me feeling positive and like I had goals to reach – other sessions would be a slog; I’d feel drained and worthless. This wasn’t down to the Doctor or her methods it was simply the fact I had spent an hour talking about things that made me sad.

Some things can be fixed or changed whereas others need more time or just cannot be altered at all. I found the latter hard to cope with – surely the idea of CBT is to fix everything?

It is with these methods that I soon learnt that CBT is geared more towards changing your thought patterns. It’s unfortunate I couldn’t continue these sessions as a quick reminder of this would probably help. It’s not always possible to see these things when you’re in a dark place. Maybe I should stick a post it note on my forehead reminding me.

It’s safe to say CBT really helped my post natal depression after a block of 10 sessions. I remained on the medication afterwards and changed my thought patterns for a while (!) but its a shame this hasn’t stuck. It’s incredibly hard to train your brain to think a completely different way to how you’ve thought for years.

The Start

So I may as well start from now – I could start from the beginning but that will mean thinking back over 15 years of shitty mental health. Not really in a place to be doing that right now!

I am in crisis. I am sure that is what it’s called. I have pushed and pushed myself and now I have broke. Things have got too much and I cannot cope. The NHS have placed me on their list for psychological assessment; however because I don’t particularly want to die – I am waiting. I understand there are people of greater need out there that need to access these services before I do but I feel like I am being forgotten about. I am desperate to go and speak to an unknown face; to figure all of this out.

I have such a good support system. So many people who love me and want to help; yet I struggle to talk to them because it will result in them feeling upset or concerned. I suppose one of the downsides of all of this is I subconciously shut people out too; maybe it’s a coping mechanism so I don’t unload more problems on them. Who knows.

I have tried Cognitive Behavioral Therapy before. It worked for a short while but things bubbled up and boiled over within a few months of being signed off from my sessions. The doctor thinks it could work again but suggested we “step up” a level to try and get to the bottom of this.

I’d like to think my behaviors are circumstantial but after 15 years of mental health issues; I’m starting to think it is just me. Bad things happen to everyone at varying times of their lives; yet they get through it. Some may have a rough patch but bounce back. I struggle to find my way out and this is what scares me. After realizing it’s obviously a behavioral trait; I re-visited the doctor to find out what they could do. My medication was upped over winter as they suspected it was Seasonal Affective Disorder. Unfortunately, this had little to no effect and I am experiencing Summer being back to square one.