post natal depression

Whilst chatting with a friend, she revealed that everyone has intrusive thoughts. I found that hard to believe, some people seem far too level headed for that shit.

So I spent a little time researching it and apparently it is true – nearly everyone will have experienced intrusive thoughts at some point in their life.

You see the idea of the thoughts is not that you want to harm, hurt or do anything bad – it’s just a thought. It’s not an action. There is no intent behind it.

When I experience intrusive thoughts- I panic. I feel like a complete nut case and wonder what the fuck my head is doing to me. I had them so often at one point that I continually that I thought I was losing my mind.

I’ve mentioned in previous blogs that I had post natal depression and anxiety. During that time the intrusive thoughts were so intense that I would feel debilitated. A simple trip to the shops would end in panic attacks. Bus journeys would send my anxiety through the roof. People talking to my baby – no! I felt like everyone was a threat.

The problem with these thoughts is that when I look back, I know they are completely irrational (that majority of the time!) and I know that my brain is thinking them because ultimately I want to protect my babies. That being said; when I am in the full throes of a panic attack there is absolutely no way I can use that rationale. It is just not possible.

Apparently it is something to do with fight or flight, the adrenaline, the brain preparing you for potential conflict. It’s a useful tool to have, it’s just a shame it is something that massively clouds judgement and ‘normal’ behaviour.

During my research, I learnt that intrusive thoughts can be particularly bad for a person with OCD. This is something my therapist has suggested I may be suffering from – we are going to look into it when my sessions come to a close. That could explain the severity of the intrusive thoughts and could provide some insight as to why they can feel so debilitating.

I am now learning to accept these intrusive thoughts, allow them in but not let them take a hold. It is really fucking hard. There are days I just can’t do that. But the good days are outweighing the bad at the moment, so I am certainly achieving something.

I suppose this post it to explain a little more about the “types” of mental health issues I have faced. I have suffered from anxiety and depression to varying degrees for the last 15 years. During my first pregnancy; I had to stop taking medication that helped control this.
Surprisingly, I did fine. I think the fact I was vomiting up to 30 times a day took my mind off my feelings, I had time for little else other than sleep.

Of course I was young and naive. I thought it was going to be a walk in the park – I was off my tablets, I would have a new baby to play with and I could do all the things new Mums got to do!

Unfortunately this didn’t work out the way I intended. During childbirth I had a near death experience resulting in indescribable trauma. The next few months meant little to me. I felt nothing, I barely remember visitors, nappy changes -anything. Hormone fluctuations are some serious shit. They send you bananas. It wasn’t easy to see how low I had gotten until I realized I didn’t leave the house unless absolutely necessary.

Having a new baby is meant to be this magical time – what the fuck?? Why is it so draining and difficult?! The guilt I felt that I wasn’t enjoying my experience as a new mother overtook my mind. I admitted to the doctor that I needed help again so I reverted back to medication.

With this brought new problems; I was going out more! This is good stuff. Until – it’s there – anxiety is creeping up and ready to strike at any one time.

Someone looks at me funny on a bus? Someone leans towards the pram to say hello? Somebody is walking too fast toward me? Any one of these situations would give me internal turmoil. My brain just couldn’t deal with it. It isn’t rational to stand their and think “this cute old lady will kill me and my child” but that is the thought process of an anxious mind. Fight or flight always kicked in and I would be off in the other direction, going home or getting off the bus far too early just to escape people.

Despite 15 years of bad mental health being an absolute piss take, it has given me the tools to understand when things are getting “too bad” and when I need to seek help for thoughts/feelings or actions. This helped during the worst times of post natal depression as I felt I could approach the professional services and get the help I needed. It took me 2.5 years to accept that child birth had caused me unfathomable mental trauma – with that I was referred to a cognitive behavioral therapist who excelled in understanding my needs. There are times I would visit her and she would put aside the plans for the session and ask me how the last week had been. She could see the depression oozing from me; from the way I sat, spoke, looked. It still amazes me how tuned in she was to what I needed.

CBT was a rocky road for me. Some sessions would leave me feeling positive and like I had goals to reach – other sessions would be a slog; I’d feel drained and worthless. This wasn’t down to the Doctor or her methods it was simply the fact I had spent an hour talking about things that made me sad.

Some things can be fixed or changed whereas others need more time or just cannot be altered at all. I found the latter hard to cope with – surely the idea of CBT is to fix everything?

It is with these methods that I soon learnt that CBT is geared more towards changing your thought patterns. It’s unfortunate I couldn’t continue these sessions as a quick reminder of this would probably help. It’s not always possible to see these things when you’re in a dark place. Maybe I should stick a post it note on my forehead reminding me.

It’s safe to say CBT really helped my post natal depression after a block of 10 sessions. I remained on the medication afterwards and changed my thought patterns for a while (!) but its a shame this hasn’t stuck. It’s incredibly hard to train your brain to think a completely different way to how you’ve thought for years.

Tag: post natal depression

Intrusive Thoughts