Hot Potato

I’ve developed my mental health A LOT over the last few months. Twice weekly intensive therapy, lots of writing and note taking, research and self help included. I firmly believe I am growing as a person!!

It’s the little changes I am starting to notice; I will get up at a regular time each day, I will get dressed in the morning, I will moisturise. These tiny little things may seem like easy tasks. Some day’s I think they are but many days I don’t.

Those little things might not seem like I am being kind to myself but I am; it is helping me gain some structure and routine within my day whilst looking after my body and appreciating it.

I see a great deal of posts about ‘self love’ and taking time out for yourself; this is so important. It is vital to recognise that this can present itself in different ways to different people. Some may want to hide away and nap, other’s go to the bar for a drink, other’s a hot bath. It is what makes you relax that is important.

So that is the body part improving – I think I will physically improve when I start to go to the gym again; I am waiting until Covid-19 is much less prevalent before I return.

Mentally; I feel stronger. I used to believe that there were two stages within my life – being well and being ill. This is not true. My mental health status has fluctuated over the years. I try to remind myself of this when I get angry that I am not ‘better.’

I’m starting to believe there is no ‘better.’ I mean, I am being slightly facetious as I know there are such extremes to mental health that some conditions can be considered cured. What I am trying to get at is the fact that mental health is not a linear process. It doesn’t go from start to finish. It has ups and downs and you can feel like you are backpedalling some days. I think my improved mental resilience has helped me see this; I needed to see this!! It is important for me to realise that having a dip in my mental state is not me failing – it is part of the ride.

Another amazing thing to come from my journey is the outlook I have on friendships. Or what I perceived to be friendships. I am aware that time is precious; I am not willing to waste my time on people that do not want to be around me. That has been an amazing revelation- I feel lighter.

Drink Lots of Water

I have just written a list of things to live by, rules, I guess.

My first and biggest rule is drink lots of water. It’s really fucking important. I can’t stress that enough.

Hydration is key to good brain function and it makes you feel a lot more human too!! I find it really helps when I am going through a bad bout of depression. It only helps when I remember to do it, though.

The list was prompted by the mind management book I am reading (I know I have talked about this in the last few posts – I am enjoying the book!)

I have typed my list up, printed it on nice paper and I am going to look at it every morning when I write my positive affirmations & reasons to be grateful (thank you to the person that suggested that in my comments!!).

I suppose the idea behind printing it out is that I can surround myself in my beliefs and positive words in the hope it will re-train my brain and give me a better outlook on life. I am hopeful. Half a lifetime of depression, suicidal thoughts and anxiety will not wash away with the creation of a poster but it seems a good start.

Another thing on my list; get lots of rest. This is a new one to me. I love to be busy. I hate to be still. I am very, very high functioning for a depressed person. I hate this so much. I don’t like to hate something that comes naturally but I get so overwhelmed and frustrated that my body will not slow down.

That is something else I am re-training within my brain. It is OK to rest. It IS OK. The world will not stop turning if I sit down and relax. I know these feelings centre around guilt. Guilt for not doing ‘enough…’ The idea that there is always something to be done. Housework, studying, reading, bathing the dog, visiting family, educating the kids… the list is endless… It is exhausting.

I actually welcomed lock down with open arms. Not the pandemic, the fear, the virus, the grim bits. I welcomed the slowness. The idea of not being able to do all the things I felt I needed to do. It has made me massively re-evaluate how I go about life. I am certainly learning that life is too short to give too much of a damn about how clean my house is.

My life always has and always will centre around family and love. I surround myself with the people I love for a reason. They make me feel good. I have learnt hard and fast that having negative people around you is a bad path to follow, I have let them go.

That’s all for now, remember to drink lots of water.

Purposeful Writing

The idea of this blog is to use writing as a cathartic tool. I want to be able to question things and write them down. I want to use is it a mechanism to aid my recovery. I believe it helps.

I’m not writing posts with the intention of becoming a blogger, I’m not writing to share with friends, I’m not writing because I want to discuss anything with anyone. I’m doing it for me. I think it will be useful to look back throughout the weeks, to see how far I have come. To potentially answer some of the questions I have asked.

You see mental health recovery isn’t a linear process. It is fraught with ups and downs. I can have a really good day; achieving many things and feel powerful. The next day can be a shambles. I know in the grand scheme of things the great days are building me up each time, creating a foundation for stronger mental health. I am lucky that I can see that now – as in the past I couldn’t.

Whilst reading a mind management book and during therapy sessions recently – I have realised that I have to WORK at myself to get better. When I started my sessions I expected someone to come in and just fix me. That was incredibly naive of me. This is down to me.

I have learnt that past trauma’s cause a lot of the negative behaviours that I demonstrate when having a particularly bad day.

I have also learnt that if I want to get better, I need to recognise when my resources are low.

I have learnt I have to start to love myself (work in progress – current progress….. 10%? 15%? Too low, regardless)

I have learnt that to help others I first must help myself.

I have learnt that to fully recover from trauma I have to understand it/make sense of it then let it go (very difficult, also work in progress!)

I have learnt that I know myself better than anyone else does.

I have learnt to understand my negative thoughts a little better.

I have learnt to set boundaries and say NO.

And the biggest lesson I have learnt is that I am not TRYING to get better. I am succeeding. I am seeing the differentiation between having a bad day and having a bad life. I am beginning to look at things in a more positive light. I am succeeding.

There is certainly a long way to go. I have a lot of things I do not understand yet. I am learning.