The Problem With This

Of course, typing all of this up helps me. However; the evening of my first 2 blog posts brought me some pretty horrible nightmares. The talk of friends who had lost their fight with mental health and succumbed to suicide must have really got to me.

I am having a pretty mediocre day today and in terms of how I have been feeling – that’s good. I’m keeping busy, I’ve been outdoors, I’ve rested. All the things the doctor suggested I do. I am even going to exercise later (!)

Some days this all seems achievable and luckily today is one of them. Other day’s the idea of doing more than I NEED to sends me crashing. As I have previously said- I am high functioning. For those who don’t know what that means, it’s that I can’t just SIT. That doesn’t stop my brain from having a “walking through custard” day. The kind of day where even putting socks on pisses me off. Where I want to get out and go and meet up with friends but anxiety gets the better of me and fuzzes my head over. Those day’s I find the worst. I cannot complete tasks, I cannot focus. These are the things I really want to do.

On good days I have been visiting friends or inviting them round; I have learnt that most people I know have experienced some kind of mental health problems. I have sought solace in these friendships; these lovely people have reached out and given me a minute of their time and I hope I have done the same for them. Mental health is so complex that nobodies story is going to be exactly the same yet many experiences are similar and comparable.

Misconceptions

This is something that I have become much more aware of lately. I feel the constant need to explain myself to people because I have been signed off work yet am still so high functioning. Not every person that suffers from depression want’s to lie in bed and cry. If you do; fair enough but I don’t!

Of course I have days where I sit and binge watch crap but I know it get’s me nowhere. My brain craves busyness, it need’s to be focusing on something or I will get worse. It is hard for me to understand that I am unable to be at work but I still have to do things to keep my brain occupied. Surely, being at work will solve that? Not according to my doctor. I am pretty sure there are people at work that feel this too and hold some resentment to my absence.

It’s unbearably hard to know you are ‘letting people down’ by not being present. Unbearably hard. Despite being told not to feel guilty about it; not to let it worry me; not to make it my problem and so on… I can’t! I DO feel guilt. I DO worry. I feel like it IS my problem. When you pack so much time and energy into something that you physically and mentally burn out; it is hard to detach yourself from it when you are made to.

I didn’t want to be signed off work. The doctor suggested it and I refused. When we went through my other options; there was no chance of a medication increase and no quick solution to therapy services so I admitted defeat and took the leave.

Initially; the reluctance to admit I needed the time off made me want to go back to work more. After a stern telling off from various close friends/family members; I am not allowing myself to go back until I feel ready*.

*I wrote “better” and edited to ‘ready’. I am unsure if you can become better from this kind of illness. It’s been a struggle for half my life and I can’t see the way out.

I must admit I am quietly terrified that I won’t feel ready. I am usually bouncing back by now but this time it feels more sinister.

I have lost multiple friends due to suicide, addiction, mental health issues recently. It seems in certain circles; if you are crying out for help and threatening suicide you are seen as an attention seeker. The minute somebody actually goes and ends it; it’s a tragedy. It’s backwards thinking. I am grateful that I am within multiple social circles that fucking GET IT and don’t see these thing’s as a cry for help, they see the real shit that some people are scared to talk about.

There are so many varying misconceptions of mental health; I understand it’s a massive scale to work on but simply understanding that it is not all black and white can make things ALOT easier for someone who is suffering. To laugh and say “you smile a lot for someone who is depressed” is the most nonconstructive way to appraise someones health. Not that it’s your fucking job to be appraising me anyway. Luckily the person that said this is not a friend, nor a close acquaintance and I certainly won’t be seeing them again.

To awkwardly ignore a mental health conversation then rudely interrupt with bullshit is not the way to deal with things either. If you don’t understand mental health then read up on it; don’t disrespect someone just because you are too ignorant to do any research. You don’t have to suffer from these things to try and understand them or show empathy to a situation.

The Start

So I may as well start from now – I could start from the beginning but that will mean thinking back over 15 years of shitty mental health. Not really in a place to be doing that right now!

I am in crisis. I am sure that is what it’s called. I have pushed and pushed myself and now I have broke. Things have got too much and I cannot cope. The NHS have placed me on their list for psychological assessment; however because I don’t particularly want to die – I am waiting. I understand there are people of greater need out there that need to access these services before I do but I feel like I am being forgotten about. I am desperate to go and speak to an unknown face; to figure all of this out.

I have such a good support system. So many people who love me and want to help; yet I struggle to talk to them because it will result in them feeling upset or concerned. I suppose one of the downsides of all of this is I subconciously shut people out too; maybe it’s a coping mechanism so I don’t unload more problems on them. Who knows.

I have tried Cognitive Behavioral Therapy before. It worked for a short while but things bubbled up and boiled over within a few months of being signed off from my sessions. The doctor thinks it could work again but suggested we “step up” a level to try and get to the bottom of this.

I’d like to think my behaviors are circumstantial but after 15 years of mental health issues; I’m starting to think it is just me. Bad things happen to everyone at varying times of their lives; yet they get through it. Some may have a rough patch but bounce back. I struggle to find my way out and this is what scares me. After realizing it’s obviously a behavioral trait; I re-visited the doctor to find out what they could do. My medication was upped over winter as they suspected it was Seasonal Affective Disorder. Unfortunately, this had little to no effect and I am experiencing Summer being back to square one.