Crowbar

You know what I mean – that horrible feeling of feelings you don’t want to feel, that get wrenched through your brain in the form of a dream. I fucking hate it.

The beauty of my recovery has been regaining control over my mental health on my own terms. I have written so much down, practised things, talked SO much etc etc… but I can’t control what I do in my dreams. The control thing has stemmed from my breakdown – that much is obvious. Maybe there are some deep-rooted issues in there from my childhood too but the recent urge to control is from the breakdown. I felt so lost and freaked out.

Now I DID have some control – I wasn’t sectioned and made to do things – but my doctor was insistent on me having to take time out, up my meds, get further help etc. That’s the kind of shit you have to do when you are a parent. You know you have to. Because if you don’t they take your parenting into consideration. Are you capable to look after children if you won’t look after yourself? All of that shit. So I may have had ‘control’ but I certainly didn’t have a choice. [FYI; I wanted to get better too so it’s all good.]

So from all of that I have built this new part of my personality where I want to be able to manage what goes on in my mind. I think it’s a healthy trait to have; it seems to be helping me loads. It is making me more aware of the things I do, the actions I take, the choices I make and so on. During therapy I have been told that increased awareness is a very valuable thing.

I am careful not to micromanage myself. I believe that will lead to failure, ultimately. I have always beat myself up if I didn’t achieve what I wanted or what was expected; so I don’t want to go down that road.

Despite me saying you can’t control the dream side of things; I think being in better mental health certainly does improve ‘bad dreams’ and their frequency. During my breakdown I would suffer immensely scary night terrors including sweating, palpitations, loss of reality. It was horrible. I don’t get that anymore but the odd dream creeps in and freaks me out.

I’m trying to not let it set me back but it’s really hard. It was about a very close family member who is poorly, so it is quite an emotive subject for me – very personal.

Onwards and upwards ey.

The Crash

If you suffer with your mental health, you may have experienced what I refer to as ‘The Crash.’

It happens with me after a bout of depressive mood or high anxiety. I am so exhausted. So exhausted. It takes time and energy to even think about completing tasks; never mind starting them. It feels like I have ran a mental marathon and I need a hot bath and a few days rest to recover.

In some ways, I find this the hardest part of my mental health issues as I can kind of deal with the depression as I have gotten so used to it over the years. I think that may have something to do with how aware I have become lately? My recovery is a very ‘active’ process. I am really pushing to get myself better. I am writing, blogging, reading and pursuing happiness!

In the past; I have taken the meds and done the therapy in a very passive way. I used to want to get better but I used to expect it to fall in to place itself. It certainly doesn’t. You have to be active in your recovery, you have to put the effort in. I’m not saying that is easy or possible for everyone but it is what I have learnt for myself.

This particular mental health crisis I have suffered was a big reality shock to me. It floored me. It made me feel worthless. These feelings hurt like hell and it has taken a lot of will power and strength to try and turn things around.

Because of this, I believe the crashes are affecting me more. I am trying to manage my mental health SO much that I am noticing every peak and trough. That is why I blog, also, to try and keep a record of how I am feeling and what I learning through recovery.

One thing I have found the most important is to stop punishing myself. At the beginning of all of this I punished myself because I could not work, I struggled seeing friends, I wasn’t the greatest partner, I didn’t play with my kids as much. I would spend all day shit talking myself because of all my failures.

I have learnt that being like that is utter bullshit. It’s BULLSHIT. It makes you feel a million times worse, it makes you act worse and accept shittiness because you feel that is all you are worth. Well NO. I am worth so much more. It has taken MONTHS of therapy for me to finally say that – it feels good.

I am a worthy person- worthy of love, affection, friendship, happiness. I am not a failure, I am succeeding in making myself better and making my life better.

Hot Potato

I’ve developed my mental health A LOT over the last few months. Twice weekly intensive therapy, lots of writing and note taking, research and self help included. I firmly believe I am growing as a person!!

It’s the little changes I am starting to notice; I will get up at a regular time each day, I will get dressed in the morning, I will moisturise. These tiny little things may seem like easy tasks. Some day’s I think they are but many days I don’t.

Those little things might not seem like I am being kind to myself but I am; it is helping me gain some structure and routine within my day whilst looking after my body and appreciating it.

I see a great deal of posts about ‘self love’ and taking time out for yourself; this is so important. It is vital to recognise that this can present itself in different ways to different people. Some may want to hide away and nap, other’s go to the bar for a drink, other’s a hot bath. It is what makes you relax that is important.

So that is the body part improving – I think I will physically improve when I start to go to the gym again; I am waiting until Covid-19 is much less prevalent before I return.

Mentally; I feel stronger. I used to believe that there were two stages within my life – being well and being ill. This is not true. My mental health status has fluctuated over the years. I try to remind myself of this when I get angry that I am not ‘better.’

I’m starting to believe there is no ‘better.’ I mean, I am being slightly facetious as I know there are such extremes to mental health that some conditions can be considered cured. What I am trying to get at is the fact that mental health is not a linear process. It doesn’t go from start to finish. It has ups and downs and you can feel like you are backpedalling some days. I think my improved mental resilience has helped me see this; I needed to see this!! It is important for me to realise that having a dip in my mental state is not me failing – it is part of the ride.

Another amazing thing to come from my journey is the outlook I have on friendships. Or what I perceived to be friendships. I am aware that time is precious; I am not willing to waste my time on people that do not want to be around me. That has been an amazing revelation- I feel lighter.

Drink Lots of Water

I have just written a list of things to live by, rules, I guess.

My first and biggest rule is drink lots of water. It’s really fucking important. I can’t stress that enough.

Hydration is key to good brain function and it makes you feel a lot more human too!! I find it really helps when I am going through a bad bout of depression. It only helps when I remember to do it, though.

The list was prompted by the mind management book I am reading (I know I have talked about this in the last few posts – I am enjoying the book!)

I have typed my list up, printed it on nice paper and I am going to look at it every morning when I write my positive affirmations & reasons to be grateful (thank you to the person that suggested that in my comments!!).

I suppose the idea behind printing it out is that I can surround myself in my beliefs and positive words in the hope it will re-train my brain and give me a better outlook on life. I am hopeful. Half a lifetime of depression, suicidal thoughts and anxiety will not wash away with the creation of a poster but it seems a good start.

Another thing on my list; get lots of rest. This is a new one to me. I love to be busy. I hate to be still. I am very, very high functioning for a depressed person. I hate this so much. I don’t like to hate something that comes naturally but I get so overwhelmed and frustrated that my body will not slow down.

That is something else I am re-training within my brain. It is OK to rest. It IS OK. The world will not stop turning if I sit down and relax. I know these feelings centre around guilt. Guilt for not doing ‘enough…’ The idea that there is always something to be done. Housework, studying, reading, bathing the dog, visiting family, educating the kids… the list is endless… It is exhausting.

I actually welcomed lock down with open arms. Not the pandemic, the fear, the virus, the grim bits. I welcomed the slowness. The idea of not being able to do all the things I felt I needed to do. It has made me massively re-evaluate how I go about life. I am certainly learning that life is too short to give too much of a damn about how clean my house is.

My life always has and always will centre around family and love. I surround myself with the people I love for a reason. They make me feel good. I have learnt hard and fast that having negative people around you is a bad path to follow, I have let them go.

That’s all for now, remember to drink lots of water.

Purposeful Writing

The idea of this blog is to use writing as a cathartic tool. I want to be able to question things and write them down. I want to use is it a mechanism to aid my recovery. I believe it helps.

I’m not writing posts with the intention of becoming a blogger, I’m not writing to share with friends, I’m not writing because I want to discuss anything with anyone. I’m doing it for me. I think it will be useful to look back throughout the weeks, to see how far I have come. To potentially answer some of the questions I have asked.

You see mental health recovery isn’t a linear process. It is fraught with ups and downs. I can have a really good day; achieving many things and feel powerful. The next day can be a shambles. I know in the grand scheme of things the great days are building me up each time, creating a foundation for stronger mental health. I am lucky that I can see that now – as in the past I couldn’t.

Whilst reading a mind management book and during therapy sessions recently – I have realised that I have to WORK at myself to get better. When I started my sessions I expected someone to come in and just fix me. That was incredibly naive of me. This is down to me.

I have learnt that past trauma’s cause a lot of the negative behaviours that I demonstrate when having a particularly bad day.

I have also learnt that if I want to get better, I need to recognise when my resources are low.

I have learnt I have to start to love myself (work in progress – current progress….. 10%? 15%? Too low, regardless)

I have learnt that to help others I first must help myself.

I have learnt that to fully recover from trauma I have to understand it/make sense of it then let it go (very difficult, also work in progress!)

I have learnt that I know myself better than anyone else does.

I have learnt to understand my negative thoughts a little better.

I have learnt to set boundaries and say NO.

And the biggest lesson I have learnt is that I am not TRYING to get better. I am succeeding. I am seeing the differentiation between having a bad day and having a bad life. I am beginning to look at things in a more positive light. I am succeeding.

There is certainly a long way to go. I have a lot of things I do not understand yet. I am learning.

Reducing Medication?

Recently I have been wondering – do I need to take anti depressant and anti anxiety medication?

I know when I was prescribed these things I certainly needed them however this was years ago. I get a bi-monthly medication review which consists of the doctor calling me and asking if I am OK. That’s it. It seems a bit odd to me. Maybe it’s just easier to keep people medicated? Maybe I should ask to reduce my dose? I’m not sure.

It is a tricky subject because when you start to feel like you are coping or… ‘better’ then you would think it’s time for reducing medication. I have thought this for a while now because even though there is still A LOT of crap going on; I am certainly coping with it much better. But then I get anxious – how would I feel if I reduce the meds? Would I crash? Go back to square one? It’s really difficult to know.

I have been through the on/off cycle with medication before and I remember it all in a fairly hazy way. My brain seems to block bad memories out and leaves me with a blank space that has to piece together fuzzy thoughts. Last time I reduced my meds I felt great afterwards. I felt I had more energy – anti anxiety tablets made me slightly drowsy and relaxed my muscles a little too much. I started to disbelieve the need to medicate for a short while.

Oddly, the anxiety medication helped relieve migraine symptoms also (a major cause for my anxiety – the thought of getting a migraine makes me anxious – lovely!) With that in mind the doctor upped my prescription and told me to take them until further notice. This routine is still with me, it is every day. I am genuinely terrified of stopping this routine as I feel my migraines and anxiety will trigger each other and cause a downward spiral.

So that is the anxiety stuff, I am keen to keep on it for now until I find a better solution for my migraines.

So on to the anti depressants. I take Citalopram. It’s a common drug used to treat depression and low mood. When I began taking this I felt I needed it. I felt that suicidal thoughts would no go away until I started taking something to alter my thought patterns – it worked. Now I am not saying these tablets should be used as a quick fix as this lasted months and took a while to take an effect.

I guess now I am feeling that I am able to control my mood better and recognise the depressive patterns and symptoms before they escalate too much, yet I still worry about reducing medication. I suppose it has become a crutch, a coping mechanism. Something that I am afraid to let go of until I feel ‘ready.’ I’m really worried I’ll never feel ready.

Post Natal Depression

I suppose this post it to explain a little more about the “types” of mental health issues I have faced. I have suffered from anxiety and depression to varying degrees for the last 15 years. During my first pregnancy; I had to stop taking medication that helped control this.
Surprisingly, I did fine. I think the fact I was vomiting up to 30 times a day took my mind off my feelings, I had time for little else other than sleep.

Of course I was young and naive. I thought it was going to be a walk in the park – I was off my tablets, I would have a new baby to play with and I could do all the things new Mums got to do!

Unfortunately this didn’t work out the way I intended. During childbirth I had a near death experience resulting in indescribable trauma. The next few months meant little to me. I felt nothing, I barely remember visitors, nappy changes -anything. Hormone fluctuations are some serious shit. They send you bananas. It wasn’t easy to see how low I had gotten until I realized I didn’t leave the house unless absolutely necessary.

Having a new baby is meant to be this magical time – what the fuck?? Why is it so draining and difficult?! The guilt I felt that I wasn’t enjoying my experience as a new mother overtook my mind. I admitted to the doctor that I needed help again so I reverted back to medication.

With this brought new problems; I was going out more! This is good stuff. Until – it’s there – anxiety is creeping up and ready to strike at any one time.

Someone looks at me funny on a bus? Someone leans towards the pram to say hello? Somebody is walking too fast toward me? Any one of these situations would give me internal turmoil. My brain just couldn’t deal with it. It isn’t rational to stand their and think “this cute old lady will kill me and my child” but that is the thought process of an anxious mind. Fight or flight always kicked in and I would be off in the other direction, going home or getting off the bus far too early just to escape people.

Despite 15 years of bad mental health being an absolute piss take, it has given me the tools to understand when things are getting “too bad” and when I need to seek help for thoughts/feelings or actions. This helped during the worst times of post natal depression as I felt I could approach the professional services and get the help I needed. It took me 2.5 years to accept that child birth had caused me unfathomable mental trauma – with that I was referred to a cognitive behavioral therapist who excelled in understanding my needs. There are times I would visit her and she would put aside the plans for the session and ask me how the last week had been. She could see the depression oozing from me; from the way I sat, spoke, looked. It still amazes me how tuned in she was to what I needed.

CBT was a rocky road for me. Some sessions would leave me feeling positive and like I had goals to reach – other sessions would be a slog; I’d feel drained and worthless. This wasn’t down to the Doctor or her methods it was simply the fact I had spent an hour talking about things that made me sad.

Some things can be fixed or changed whereas others need more time or just cannot be altered at all. I found the latter hard to cope with – surely the idea of CBT is to fix everything?

It is with these methods that I soon learnt that CBT is geared more towards changing your thought patterns. It’s unfortunate I couldn’t continue these sessions as a quick reminder of this would probably help. It’s not always possible to see these things when you’re in a dark place. Maybe I should stick a post it note on my forehead reminding me.

It’s safe to say CBT really helped my post natal depression after a block of 10 sessions. I remained on the medication afterwards and changed my thought patterns for a while (!) but its a shame this hasn’t stuck. It’s incredibly hard to train your brain to think a completely different way to how you’ve thought for years.