Tag: friendship

Hot Potato

I’ve developed my mental health A LOT over the last few months. Twice weekly intensive therapy, lots of writing and note taking, research and self help included. I firmly believe I am growing as a person!!

It’s the little changes I am starting to notice; I will get up at a regular time each day, I will get dressed in the morning, I will moisturise. These tiny little things may seem like easy tasks. Some day’s I think they are but many days I don’t.

Those little things might not seem like I am being kind to myself but I am; it is helping me gain some structure and routine within my day whilst looking after my body and appreciating it.

I see a great deal of posts about ‘self love’ and taking time out for yourself; this is so important. It is vital to recognise that this can present itself in different ways to different people. Some may want to hide away and nap, other’s go to the bar for a drink, other’s a hot bath. It is what makes you relax that is important.

So that is the body part improving – I think I will physically improve when I start to go to the gym again; I am waiting until Covid-19 is much less prevalent before I return.

Mentally; I feel stronger. I used to believe that there were two stages within my life – being well and being ill. This is not true. My mental health status has fluctuated over the years. I try to remind myself of this when I get angry that I am not ‘better.’

I’m starting to believe there is no ‘better.’ I mean, I am being slightly facetious as I know there are such extremes to mental health that some conditions can be considered cured. What I am trying to get at is the fact that mental health is not a linear process. It doesn’t go from start to finish. It has ups and downs and you can feel like you are backpedalling some days. I think my improved mental resilience has helped me see this; I needed to see this!! It is important for me to realise that having a dip in my mental state is not me failing – it is part of the ride.

Another amazing thing to come from my journey is the outlook I have on friendships. Or what I perceived to be friendships. I am aware that time is precious; I am not willing to waste my time on people that do not want to be around me. That has been an amazing revelation- I feel lighter.

xo

The Problem With This

Of course, typing all of this up helps me. However; the evening of my first 2 blog posts brought me some pretty horrible nightmares. The talk of friends who had lost their fight with mental health and succumbed to suicide must have really got to me.

I am having a pretty mediocre day today and in terms of how I have been feeling – that’s good. I’m keeping busy, I’ve been outdoors, I’ve rested. All the things the doctor suggested I do. I am even going to exercise later (!)

Some days this all seems achievable and luckily today is one of them. Other day’s the idea of doing more than I NEED to sends me crashing. As I have previously said- I am high functioning. For those who don’t know what that means, it’s that I can’t just SIT. That doesn’t stop my brain from having a “walking through custard” day. The kind of day where even putting socks on pisses me off. Where I want to get out and go and meet up with friends but anxiety gets the better of me and fuzzes my head over. Those day’s I find the worst. I cannot complete tasks, I cannot focus. These are the things I really want to do.

On good days I have been visiting friends or inviting them round; I have learnt that most people I know have experienced some kind of mental health problems. I have sought solace in these friendships; these lovely people have reached out and given me a minute of their time and I hope I have done the same for them. Mental health is so complex that nobodies story is going to be exactly the same yet many experiences are similar and comparable.

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