I’ve noticed a pattern. Every time I start to get better; I put pressure on myself to help and support others. I feel like because I am doing OK, it is time to help those more needy. Therapy has taught me I am very empathetic. This, primarily, isn’t a bad trait but it does appear to let me down time and time again.

I have often been told that I care too much. It’s fine to care about the things that matter, sure. It’s the trivial things, other people’s problems, thing’s that don’t really affect me… they are what are my sticking point.

I’m not saying that I want to be LESS empathetic, I just want to get less sucked in to other’s peoples shit.

My therapist often asks me if I have ‘the resources’ to deal with a situation. They literally want me to see my mental health as a ‘pouring from an empty cup’ scenario. It is impossible. Of course it is. I don’t understand why it has taken me SO many years to grasp that I cannot run on empty. The constant pressure of jobs, children, families, friends – everything – makes me feel like I can’t stop.

Well of course I felt like this until I had a breakdown. I stopped being able to function correctly. I struggled to complete the most mundane of daily tasks. I got pretty good at sitting and crying though! Breakdown was a blessing. Much like lockdown. A stark, kick-in-the-teeth kind of reminder that I am not invincible. I cannot look after everyone.

As a result, I now try to categorise problems into little sections. Stuff I am capable of helping with, stuff that is totally out of my control etc. It’s not something that is coming easy to me. I find it infuriating to be honest. It is helping to put my worries and dilemmas into perspective though. It’s certainly a reality check! It’s insaaaanely easy for an outsider to tell me not to worry about something, that it is out of my control. It is not easy for me to put that into practice.

Take Covid-19 for example. I completely lost my shit about this initially, it terrified me. I had to be reminded – a lot – that it is totally out of my control. I can, however, control how I deal with it. I can protect myself by isolating, distancing, hygiene routines and avoiding crowds. It doesn’t make the problem go away but it helps alleviate the anxiety by being pro-active about it.

This leads me to a quote… “There are two types of people. Those who control their emotions and those who let their emotions control them.” Pretty fuckin profound eh.

xo