Things Have Never Been So Swell

That’s a lie.

It’s up and down. Some things just don’t feel right some days.

It’s been a while since I posted. I have been caught up in so much. Nothing important. Nothing dramatic. Just stuff, too much of it.

Every time I see my mental health decline it is because of too much stuff. The baggage.

I’m starting to wonder if I can actually get to a point where I can function – mentally – whilst being able to have shit going on around me.

Right now that doesn’t seem possible. I can’t do too much without reverting to a vulnerable, fragile wreck. It is so fucking frustrating.

I literally want to put things in the bin, get rid of them. All my feelings about the sad stuff, all the responsibilities that have been handed to me – without my consent. I can’t seem to get rid of them at the moment. I know part of being an adult is taking on responsibility. I accept that as a parent, as a partner. I accept it as a grandchild and child too – but I shouldn’t have to do SO much. I am fucking exhausted. I can’t hold everything up.

I actually can’t.

Crowbar

You know what I mean – that horrible feeling of feelings you don’t want to feel, that get wrenched through your brain in the form of a dream. I fucking hate it.

The beauty of my recovery has been regaining control over my mental health on my own terms. I have written so much down, practised things, talked SO much etc etc… but I can’t control what I do in my dreams. The control thing has stemmed from my breakdown – that much is obvious. Maybe there are some deep-rooted issues in there from my childhood too but the recent urge to control is from the breakdown. I felt so lost and freaked out.

Now I DID have some control – I wasn’t sectioned and made to do things – but my doctor was insistent on me having to take time out, up my meds, get further help etc. That’s the kind of shit you have to do when you are a parent. You know you have to. Because if you don’t they take your parenting into consideration. Are you capable to look after children if you won’t look after yourself? All of that shit. So I may have had ‘control’ but I certainly didn’t have a choice. [FYI; I wanted to get better too so it’s all good.]

So from all of that I have built this new part of my personality where I want to be able to manage what goes on in my mind. I think it’s a healthy trait to have; it seems to be helping me loads. It is making me more aware of the things I do, the actions I take, the choices I make and so on. During therapy I have been told that increased awareness is a very valuable thing.

I am careful not to micromanage myself. I believe that will lead to failure, ultimately. I have always beat myself up if I didn’t achieve what I wanted or what was expected; so I don’t want to go down that road.

Despite me saying you can’t control the dream side of things; I think being in better mental health certainly does improve ‘bad dreams’ and their frequency. During my breakdown I would suffer immensely scary night terrors including sweating, palpitations, loss of reality. It was horrible. I don’t get that anymore but the odd dream creeps in and freaks me out.

I’m trying to not let it set me back but it’s really hard. It was about a very close family member who is poorly, so it is quite an emotive subject for me – very personal.

Onwards and upwards ey.

The Crash

If you suffer with your mental health, you may have experienced what I refer to as ‘The Crash.’

It happens with me after a bout of depressive mood or high anxiety. I am so exhausted. So exhausted. It takes time and energy to even think about completing tasks; never mind starting them. It feels like I have ran a mental marathon and I need a hot bath and a few days rest to recover.

In some ways, I find this the hardest part of my mental health issues as I can kind of deal with the depression as I have gotten so used to it over the years. I think that may have something to do with how aware I have become lately? My recovery is a very ‘active’ process. I am really pushing to get myself better. I am writing, blogging, reading and pursuing happiness!

In the past; I have taken the meds and done the therapy in a very passive way. I used to want to get better but I used to expect it to fall in to place itself. It certainly doesn’t. You have to be active in your recovery, you have to put the effort in. I’m not saying that is easy or possible for everyone but it is what I have learnt for myself.

This particular mental health crisis I have suffered was a big reality shock to me. It floored me. It made me feel worthless. These feelings hurt like hell and it has taken a lot of will power and strength to try and turn things around.

Because of this, I believe the crashes are affecting me more. I am trying to manage my mental health SO much that I am noticing every peak and trough. That is why I blog, also, to try and keep a record of how I am feeling and what I learning through recovery.

One thing I have found the most important is to stop punishing myself. At the beginning of all of this I punished myself because I could not work, I struggled seeing friends, I wasn’t the greatest partner, I didn’t play with my kids as much. I would spend all day shit talking myself because of all my failures.

I have learnt that being like that is utter bullshit. It’s BULLSHIT. It makes you feel a million times worse, it makes you act worse and accept shittiness because you feel that is all you are worth. Well NO. I am worth so much more. It has taken MONTHS of therapy for me to finally say that – it feels good.

I am a worthy person- worthy of love, affection, friendship, happiness. I am not a failure, I am succeeding in making myself better and making my life better.

Scrambled

I live in the UK. Certain towns and cities have announced their own new lock-down rules this morning. This means no visits to family members (which I was only doing very carefully) and no visits to care homes. I’m devastated. One of my closest family members lives in a care home and the idea of not seeing them is really upsetting.

I’m trying to think of the positives. What is upsetting is gyms, pubs, clubs and restaurants are still open yet I am not allowed to see my family in the garden? What the fuck? People are allowed to mix outdoors on benches and tables in pubs, go and get their hair done at close proximity but I can’t see my parents again?

I’m so fucking angry. It feels like a huge set back, I had come so far with my mental health and I honestly just want to hide away under my bedsheets.

Precious Time

The older you become the more you realise how precious your time is. I have, at least. I am so conscious of who I spend my time with, where I go and what I do. Sometimes I feel like the minutes really matter.

I didn’t feel this until my Grandad died. It hit me like a tonne of bricks – we are not here forever. This was a long time ago now; and the older I have become the more prevalent it has felt.

I have always struggled with time management. In work, socially and at home. I am late – a lot. I hate that. I think it has something to do with my anxiety (which is NO excuse!) because even when I have plenty of time; I spend it checking and re-checking things.

It takes a long time for my head to put things into a logical order and become routine. I find it really difficult. It has become a real sticking point with my recovery as I feel that I start things with great intentions and unless they become a habit, I tend not to do them. Despite that, I am SUPER grateful that I don’t have an addictive personality – sometimes I do think it may help me along though!

I’ve found lock-down a difficult time to have routine; normally I get up, dressed, breakfast, kids to school, clean the house etc. Very similar routine every week – certain days included visits to family, friends etc. Obviously now that has gone out of the window. At first I found it quite calming because I needed a break but now I can feel the need for order in my life.

I have began to implement a routine myself. Previously my mindset was very much that ‘if I don’t have to, then why do it!’ I used to think people that woke up at 5am were insane – like what the fuck!? Why!? I still kind of do actually… 🙂 Anyway now I am getting up at a regular time. No lay ins, it’s not healthy. If I am unwell I will sleep but otherwise I am UP.

Not only is this routine helping with my mental health; it is giving me more ‘time’ to spend with others. I have a full morning and full afternoon to social distance visit family, to take the children out, to clean the house. It’s refreshing, I just wish I had some more stability within it all.

A lot of decisions are being made FOR people at the moment, which is weird. I don’t like it. I’m slowly getting used to it though.

Patience

Practising patience. It’s really hard. I have been so so patient with my recovery. I’ve waited for time, medication, appointments, therapy, mental health workers, doctors… everything. I have been so patient. Some times I don’t mind; but some times I do. I get frustrated. I have spent so much TIME getting myself better.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am aware of how far I have come – I’m not disregarding that. I just feel like everything has taken SO long. I know there is no ‘cure’ or switch that can be flicked; I understand that but it leads to frustration.

I just want to get up one day and not feel the burden of all the things I am feeling. Just an empty day. It would be so nice. So I am being patient, in the hope I get a day like that but it is highly doubtful. I am working on myself so hard but part of that process is realising that I cannot change everything. I can’t stop bad things happening around me, I can just control how I react.

Practising patience.

Hot Potato

I’ve developed my mental health A LOT over the last few months. Twice weekly intensive therapy, lots of writing and note taking, research and self help included. I firmly believe I am growing as a person!!

It’s the little changes I am starting to notice; I will get up at a regular time each day, I will get dressed in the morning, I will moisturise. These tiny little things may seem like easy tasks. Some day’s I think they are but many days I don’t.

Those little things might not seem like I am being kind to myself but I am; it is helping me gain some structure and routine within my day whilst looking after my body and appreciating it.

I see a great deal of posts about ‘self love’ and taking time out for yourself; this is so important. It is vital to recognise that this can present itself in different ways to different people. Some may want to hide away and nap, other’s go to the bar for a drink, other’s a hot bath. It is what makes you relax that is important.

So that is the body part improving – I think I will physically improve when I start to go to the gym again; I am waiting until Covid-19 is much less prevalent before I return.

Mentally; I feel stronger. I used to believe that there were two stages within my life – being well and being ill. This is not true. My mental health status has fluctuated over the years. I try to remind myself of this when I get angry that I am not ‘better.’

I’m starting to believe there is no ‘better.’ I mean, I am being slightly facetious as I know there are such extremes to mental health that some conditions can be considered cured. What I am trying to get at is the fact that mental health is not a linear process. It doesn’t go from start to finish. It has ups and downs and you can feel like you are backpedalling some days. I think my improved mental resilience has helped me see this; I needed to see this!! It is important for me to realise that having a dip in my mental state is not me failing – it is part of the ride.

Another amazing thing to come from my journey is the outlook I have on friendships. Or what I perceived to be friendships. I am aware that time is precious; I am not willing to waste my time on people that do not want to be around me. That has been an amazing revelation- I feel lighter.

Emotional Burden

I take things badly. A lot. Friends and family becoming ill, war, hunger, homelessness, death. I struggle to process these things.

I have discussed in previous posts that I consider myself very empathetic. I also discussed that this is not necessarily a bad thing. Despite this, I hate the burden that this makes me carry. I like the fact I care. I dislike that I care too much.

It’s like a physical weight bearing down on me, stopping me from continuing daily tasks. I want to function normally but I cannot stop thinking about the sadness and grief I (and others) feel. It’s very similar to depression; just as consuming but not quite as debilitating. I get the same slow, sluggish, ‘toned down’ feeling about life… as if everything is minus 100 speed. It’s a tricky feeling to have because even when I have plenty of good things in my life, I still feel the burden.

I’m keen to relieve myself of this burden however I don’t want to become ‘robotic.’ I don’t want to stop caring, or stop feeling. I want to be able to help people – that is what I love – but I don’t want to get so emotionally attached.

It is exhausting – feeling someone else’s grief. My partner is the exact opposite to me in this respect; they just say ‘oh that is awful/how sad/i hope they are OK’ and then they move on. I let it burn away and eat me up inside.

Is there a way I can detach myself from all of this?

Just Call On Me

I’ve noticed a pattern. Every time I start to get better; I put pressure on myself to help and support others. I feel like because I am doing OK, it is time to help those more needy. Therapy has taught me I am very empathetic. This, primarily, isn’t a bad trait but it does appear to let me down time and time again.

I have often been told that I care too much. It’s fine to care about the things that matter, sure. It’s the trivial things, other people’s problems, thing’s that don’t really affect me… they are what are my sticking point.

I’m not saying that I want to be LESS empathetic, I just want to get less sucked in to other’s peoples shit.

My therapist often asks me if I have ‘the resources’ to deal with a situation. They literally want me to see my mental health as a ‘pouring from an empty cup’ scenario. It is impossible. Of course it is. I don’t understand why it has taken me SO many years to grasp that I cannot run on empty. The constant pressure of jobs, children, families, friends – everything – makes me feel like I can’t stop.

Well of course I felt like this until I had a breakdown. I stopped being able to function correctly. I struggled to complete the most mundane of daily tasks. I got pretty good at sitting and crying though! Breakdown was a blessing. Much like lockdown. A stark, kick-in-the-teeth kind of reminder that I am not invincible. I cannot look after everyone.

As a result, I now try to categorise problems into little sections. Stuff I am capable of helping with, stuff that is totally out of my control etc. It’s not something that is coming easy to me. I find it infuriating to be honest. It is helping to put my worries and dilemmas into perspective though. It’s certainly a reality check! It’s insaaaanely easy for an outsider to tell me not to worry about something, that it is out of my control. It is not easy for me to put that into practice.

Take Covid-19 for example. I completely lost my shit about this initially, it terrified me. I had to be reminded – a lot – that it is totally out of my control. I can, however, control how I deal with it. I can protect myself by isolating, distancing, hygiene routines and avoiding crowds. It doesn’t make the problem go away but it helps alleviate the anxiety by being pro-active about it.

This leads me to a quote… “There are two types of people. Those who control their emotions and those who let their emotions control them.” Pretty fuckin profound eh.

Drink Lots of Water

I have just written a list of things to live by, rules, I guess.

My first and biggest rule is drink lots of water. It’s really fucking important. I can’t stress that enough.

Hydration is key to good brain function and it makes you feel a lot more human too!! I find it really helps when I am going through a bad bout of depression. It only helps when I remember to do it, though.

The list was prompted by the mind management book I am reading (I know I have talked about this in the last few posts – I am enjoying the book!)

I have typed my list up, printed it on nice paper and I am going to look at it every morning when I write my positive affirmations & reasons to be grateful (thank you to the person that suggested that in my comments!!).

I suppose the idea behind printing it out is that I can surround myself in my beliefs and positive words in the hope it will re-train my brain and give me a better outlook on life. I am hopeful. Half a lifetime of depression, suicidal thoughts and anxiety will not wash away with the creation of a poster but it seems a good start.

Another thing on my list; get lots of rest. This is a new one to me. I love to be busy. I hate to be still. I am very, very high functioning for a depressed person. I hate this so much. I don’t like to hate something that comes naturally but I get so overwhelmed and frustrated that my body will not slow down.

That is something else I am re-training within my brain. It is OK to rest. It IS OK. The world will not stop turning if I sit down and relax. I know these feelings centre around guilt. Guilt for not doing ‘enough…’ The idea that there is always something to be done. Housework, studying, reading, bathing the dog, visiting family, educating the kids… the list is endless… It is exhausting.

I actually welcomed lock down with open arms. Not the pandemic, the fear, the virus, the grim bits. I welcomed the slowness. The idea of not being able to do all the things I felt I needed to do. It has made me massively re-evaluate how I go about life. I am certainly learning that life is too short to give too much of a damn about how clean my house is.

My life always has and always will centre around family and love. I surround myself with the people I love for a reason. They make me feel good. I have learnt hard and fast that having negative people around you is a bad path to follow, I have let them go.

That’s all for now, remember to drink lots of water.