death – Blogging to Improve My Mental Health

The older you become the more you realise how precious your time is. I have, at least. I am so conscious of who I spend my time with, where I go and what I do. Sometimes I feel like the minutes really matter.

I didn’t feel this until my Grandad died. It hit me like a tonne of bricks – we are not here forever. This was a long time ago now; and the older I have become the more prevalent it has felt.

I have always struggled with time management. In work, socially and at home. I am late – a lot. I hate that. I think it has something to do with my anxiety (which is NO excuse!) because even when I have plenty of time; I spend it checking and re-checking things.

It takes a long time for my head to put things into a logical order and become routine. I find it really difficult. It has become a real sticking point with my recovery as I feel that I start things with great intentions and unless they become a habit, I tend not to do them. Despite that, I am SUPER grateful that I don’t have an addictive personality – sometimes I do think it may help me along though!

I’ve found lock-down a difficult time to have routine; normally I get up, dressed, breakfast, kids to school, clean the house etc. Very similar routine every week – certain days included visits to family, friends etc. Obviously now that has gone out of the window. At first I found it quite calming because I needed a break but now I can feel the need for order in my life.

I have began to implement a routine myself. Previously my mindset was very much that ‘if I don’t have to, then why do it!’ I used to think people that woke up at 5am were insane – like what the fuck!? Why!? I still kind of do actually… 🙂 Anyway now I am getting up at a regular time. No lay ins, it’s not healthy. If I am unwell I will sleep but otherwise I am UP.

Not only is this routine helping with my mental health; it is giving me more ‘time’ to spend with others. I have a full morning and full afternoon to social distance visit family, to take the children out, to clean the house. It’s refreshing, I just wish I had some more stability within it all.

A lot of decisions are being made FOR people at the moment, which is weird. I don’t like it. I’m slowly getting used to it though.

I’m a big reader. I love to read. Mainly fiction books with the occasional autobiography thrown in for good measure.

My therapist recommends reading as a tool to calm myself. I literally have to sit down and relax when I open a book – I suppose it’s quite tricky reading whilst trying to mop the kitchen floor! I agree, it’s a useful tool. It encourages me to sit still and re-shift my focus onto something else that isn’t based on my anxieties/problems of the day.

Whilst I find that useful, it also strikes me that the content I am reading should have an impact on how I am feeling. I enjoy reading thrillers, crime novels, police procedural books – that kind of thing. The general theme for these books is death – something I am very much afraid of- and uncertainty. Over the months in therapy sessions, it has been realised I have a massive aversion to uncertainty. I hate not being prepared for every eventuality. Reading these books instils a massive feeling of uncertainty; the whole ‘who dunnit’ vibes that push the story along, the not knowing until the last chapter.

The majority of my therapy sessions centre around aversion to uncertainty and the theme of me being afraid of dying or leaving my children behind; or something happening to my close family. It is a real fear for me, a massive subject that sparks my anxiety.

Weirdly though, I can sit and read hundreds of pages a week about death and all the things that come with it and it doesn’t make me flinch. Some descriptive scenes can make me wince slightly but as it is a character it doesn’t have the same impact on me. Or so I like to think.

I noticed that I struggle massively when watching programmes with intense story lines. I have stopped watching soap operas due to the dramatic, negative feelings that bring to my living room. I also have to choose what I watch carefully, dependant on my mood. If I have had a hard day, I cannot sit and watch something sad that can potentially trigger negative thoughts.

Over the last few months, I have tried to keep track of my feelings after reading a particularly rough story line. I figured my brain may react the same way it does to the TV programmes.

I’m finding it difficult. If I need to relax – I choose a book over TV. I sit in the bath and read. Whilst I find the process of reading relaxing, the content does appear to have an affect on my mood. Some days it will not bother me at all, but others it will make me feel anxious. Checking the doors are locked, checking on my children more, calling my mum to check she is OK.

I have had this problem with social media. During tough times in the world (Covid, elections, BLM protests etc) I have really struggled comprehending a lot of online content. I have deleted my Facebook account as I find some articles too triggering yet the desire to continue scrolling and delving deeper was too strong. It took a while to get over that and not ‘want’ to look on Facebook anymore.

I suppose at the moment in time, I am trying to recover from a mental health crisis. My brain is very fragile and can react to stimulus in different ways. I don’t feel it would be healthy to completely block any negative stimuli, for example; a ban on books, social media etc. I think that would be counterproductive. I am unsure HOW to deal with it though. I monitor what I watch on TV, I can control how long I spend on social media or what platforms I choose to use.

I COULD choose not to pick a book up – but I really enjoy reading. I could choose a different genre of writing but I think I would lose the passion for reading; I find other stuff hard to read. Maybe the only solution is to read when I feel OK? Sometimes though, the process of picking up a book and relaxing is what MAKES me feel OK.

It’s a tricky situation to be in. I don’t want to completely cut myself off from anything I enjoy; I was happy to do it with social media. It felt cathartic. I want to keep my books for now!!