Scrambled

I live in the UK. Certain towns and cities have announced their own new lock-down rules this morning. This means no visits to family members (which I was only doing very carefully) and no visits to care homes. I’m devastated. One of my closest family members lives in a care home and the idea of not seeing them is really upsetting.

I’m trying to think of the positives. What is upsetting is gyms, pubs, clubs and restaurants are still open yet I am not allowed to see my family in the garden? What the fuck? People are allowed to mix outdoors on benches and tables in pubs, go and get their hair done at close proximity but I can’t see my parents again?

I’m so fucking angry. It feels like a huge set back, I had come so far with my mental health and I honestly just want to hide away under my bedsheets.

Just Call On Me

I’ve noticed a pattern. Every time I start to get better; I put pressure on myself to help and support others. I feel like because I am doing OK, it is time to help those more needy. Therapy has taught me I am very empathetic. This, primarily, isn’t a bad trait but it does appear to let me down time and time again.

I have often been told that I care too much. It’s fine to care about the things that matter, sure. It’s the trivial things, other people’s problems, thing’s that don’t really affect me… they are what are my sticking point.

I’m not saying that I want to be LESS empathetic, I just want to get less sucked in to other’s peoples shit.

My therapist often asks me if I have ‘the resources’ to deal with a situation. They literally want me to see my mental health as a ‘pouring from an empty cup’ scenario. It is impossible. Of course it is. I don’t understand why it has taken me SO many years to grasp that I cannot run on empty. The constant pressure of jobs, children, families, friends – everything – makes me feel like I can’t stop.

Well of course I felt like this until I had a breakdown. I stopped being able to function correctly. I struggled to complete the most mundane of daily tasks. I got pretty good at sitting and crying though! Breakdown was a blessing. Much like lockdown. A stark, kick-in-the-teeth kind of reminder that I am not invincible. I cannot look after everyone.

As a result, I now try to categorise problems into little sections. Stuff I am capable of helping with, stuff that is totally out of my control etc. It’s not something that is coming easy to me. I find it infuriating to be honest. It is helping to put my worries and dilemmas into perspective though. It’s certainly a reality check! It’s insaaaanely easy for an outsider to tell me not to worry about something, that it is out of my control. It is not easy for me to put that into practice.

Take Covid-19 for example. I completely lost my shit about this initially, it terrified me. I had to be reminded – a lot – that it is totally out of my control. I can, however, control how I deal with it. I can protect myself by isolating, distancing, hygiene routines and avoiding crowds. It doesn’t make the problem go away but it helps alleviate the anxiety by being pro-active about it.

This leads me to a quote… “There are two types of people. Those who control their emotions and those who let their emotions control them.” Pretty fuckin profound eh.

Make Everything OK

I have an innate desire to make everything better. I want to help people, care for people, heal people. I don’t think I’m Ghandi or some shit, I just think people are put on this planet to love, nurture and support one another.

There is a LOT of bad in the world right now, there has been for a long time. Just off the top of my head I think Covid-19, black people being shot for nothing, the leader of the USA causing utter fucking chaos. I’m in the UK and these worldwide/American problems reach this far, too. It really shakes me.

I guess part of my anxiety is worrying over so many things. Generally things I cannot control, things I will never have control over. So I should just stop, right? I wish I could. So MUCH. I know I can’t change the racist, xenophobic views of the President but I firmly believe being part of world that does nothing is WRONG.

I try to be as vocal as possible about current affairs and things I see as wrong-doings. I see this as one of my positive attributes (see the positive affirmations is working!!). I do this, knowing that my impact is minute. Despite this, I like to think of fighting for what is right as having the ‘domino effect.’ If I can change one persons’ negative views, they could influence others.

The book I am reading discussed something similar, about changing people’s views. It said that in some cases you just cannot convince some people that your way is the ‘right’ way. You need to let them go! This is something I am going to practice. I have often gotten into debates with people about politics, nature, flat earth… the list is endless… and some people will listen. Some, however, will not accept that their view point is skewed, despite being given evidence to the contrary.

I need to learn to let them go.

On the more personal side of life, trying to help people is second nature to me. I will always do my best to make sure people are OK. Unfortunately this has become detrimental to my mental health, this has been part of the reason I have felt overwhelmed and overstretched. During therapy, it was suggested that I start to put myself first.

That is a difficult concept to somebody with two children and older family members to care for. I am trying this; I am finding it very hard. I see time relaxing as wasted time. I feel I always have to be on the go, doing something to help someone else.

It’s going to be a slow process learning more positive behaviours – I will get there 🙂 xo