Tag: coping strategies

Reducing Medication?

Recently I have been wondering – do I need to take anti depressant and anti anxiety medication?

I know when I was prescribed these things I certainly needed them however this was years ago. I get a bi-monthly medication review which consists of the doctor calling me and asking if I am OK. That’s it. It seems a bit odd to me. Maybe it’s just easier to keep people medicated? Maybe I should ask to reduce my dose? I’m not sure.

It is a tricky subject because when you start to feel like you are coping or… ‘better’ then you would think it’s time for reducing medication. I have thought this for a while now because even though there is still A LOT of crap going on; I am certainly coping with it much better. But then I get anxious – how would I feel if I reduce the meds? Would I crash? Go back to square one? It’s really difficult to know.

I have been through the on/off cycle with medication before and I remember it all in a fairly hazy way. My brain seems to block bad memories out and leaves me with a blank space that has to piece together fuzzy thoughts. Last time I reduced my meds I felt great afterwards. I felt I had more energy – anti anxiety tablets made me slightly drowsy and relaxed my muscles a little too much. I started to disbelieve the need to medicate for a short while.

Oddly, the anxiety medication helped relieve migraine symptoms also (a major cause for my anxiety – the thought of getting a migraine makes me anxious – lovely!) With that in mind the doctor upped my prescription and told me to take them until further notice. This routine is still with me, it is every day. I am genuinely terrified of stopping this routine as I feel my migraines and anxiety will trigger each other and cause a downward spiral.

So that is the anxiety stuff, I am keen to keep on it for now until I find a better solution for my migraines.

So on to the anti depressants. I take Citalopram. It’s a common drug used to treat depression and low mood. When I began taking this I felt I needed it. I felt that suicidal thoughts would no go away until I started taking something to alter my thought patterns – it worked. Now I am not saying these tablets should be used as a quick fix as this lasted months and took a while to take an effect.

I guess now I am feeling that I am able to control my mood better and recognise the depressive patterns and symptoms before they escalate too much, yet I still worry about reducing medication. I suppose it has become a crutch, a coping mechanism. Something that I am afraid to let go of until I feel ‘ready.’ I’m really worried I’ll never feel ready.

xo

Intrusive Thoughts

Whilst chatting with a friend, she revealed that everyone has intrusive thoughts. I found that hard to believe, some people seem far too level headed for that shit.

So I spent a little time researching it and apparently it is true – nearly everyone will have experienced intrusive thoughts at some point in their life.

You see the idea of the thoughts is not that you want to harm, hurt or do anything bad – it’s just a thought. It’s not an action. There is no intent behind it.

When I experience intrusive thoughts- I panic. I feel like a complete nut case and wonder what the fuck my head is doing to me. I had them so often at one point that I continually that I thought I was losing my mind.

I’ve mentioned in previous blogs that I had post natal depression and anxiety. During that time the intrusive thoughts were so intense that I would feel debilitated. A simple trip to the shops would end in panic attacks. Bus journeys would send my anxiety through the roof. People talking to my baby – no! I felt like everyone was a threat.

The problem with these thoughts is that when I look back, I know they are completely irrational (that majority of the time!) and I know that my brain is thinking them because ultimately I want to protect my babies. That being said; when I am in the full throes of a panic attack there is absolutely no way I can use that rationale. It is just not possible.

Apparently it is something to do with fight or flight, the adrenaline, the brain preparing you for potential conflict. It’s a useful tool to have, it’s just a shame it is something that massively clouds judgement and ‘normal’ behaviour.

During my research, I learnt that intrusive thoughts can be particularly bad for a person with OCD. This is something my therapist has suggested I may be suffering from – we are going to look into it when my sessions come to a close. That could explain the severity of the intrusive thoughts and could provide some insight as to why they can feel so debilitating.

I am now learning to accept these intrusive thoughts, allow them in but not let them take a hold. It is really fucking hard. There are days I just can’t do that. But the good days are outweighing the bad at the moment, so I am certainly achieving something.

xo