Tag: breakdown

Things Have Never Been So Swell

That’s a lie.

It’s up and down. Some things just don’t feel right some days.

It’s been a while since I posted. I have been caught up in so much. Nothing important. Nothing dramatic. Just stuff, too much of it.

Every time I see my mental health decline it is because of too much stuff. The baggage.

I’m starting to wonder if I can actually get to a point where I can function – mentally – whilst being able to have shit going on around me.

Right now that doesn’t seem possible. I can’t do too much without reverting to a vulnerable, fragile wreck. It is so fucking frustrating.

I literally want to put things in the bin, get rid of them. All my feelings about the sad stuff, all the responsibilities that have been handed to me – without my consent. I can’t seem to get rid of them at the moment. I know part of being an adult is taking on responsibility. I accept that as a parent, as a partner. I accept it as a grandchild and child too – but I shouldn’t have to do SO much. I am fucking exhausted. I can’t hold everything up.

I actually can’t.

Crowbar

You know what I mean – that horrible feeling of feelings you don’t want to feel, that get wrenched through your brain in the form of a dream. I fucking hate it.

The beauty of my recovery has been regaining control over my mental health on my own terms. I have written so much down, practised things, talked SO much etc etc… but I can’t control what I do in my dreams. The control thing has stemmed from my breakdown – that much is obvious. Maybe there are some deep-rooted issues in there from my childhood too but the recent urge to control is from the breakdown. I felt so lost and freaked out.

Now I DID have some control – I wasn’t sectioned and made to do things – but my doctor was insistent on me having to take time out, up my meds, get further help etc. That’s the kind of shit you have to do when you are a parent. You know you have to. Because if you don’t they take your parenting into consideration. Are you capable to look after children if you won’t look after yourself? All of that shit. So I may have had ‘control’ but I certainly didn’t have a choice. [FYI; I wanted to get better too so it’s all good.]

So from all of that I have built this new part of my personality where I want to be able to manage what goes on in my mind. I think it’s a healthy trait to have; it seems to be helping me loads. It is making me more aware of the things I do, the actions I take, the choices I make and so on. During therapy I have been told that increased awareness is a very valuable thing.

I am careful not to micromanage myself. I believe that will lead to failure, ultimately. I have always beat myself up if I didn’t achieve what I wanted or what was expected; so I don’t want to go down that road.

Despite me saying you can’t control the dream side of things; I think being in better mental health certainly does improve ‘bad dreams’ and their frequency. During my breakdown I would suffer immensely scary night terrors including sweating, palpitations, loss of reality. It was horrible. I don’t get that anymore but the odd dream creeps in and freaks me out.

I’m trying to not let it set me back but it’s really hard. It was about a very close family member who is poorly, so it is quite an emotive subject for me – very personal.

Onwards and upwards ey.

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