Big Break

I have had an 11 month break from posting on here. I started with good intentions then left it to go to shit. That was unintentional. I had found blogging to become a chore (after what, 4 posts! I know….) so I knocked it on the head.

I’m glad I kept the blog though, I can now see where I was and where I am.

11 months is a long time. It shocks me a little to think that I have been riding the wave of the aforementioned ‘crisis’ for over a year. Time has flown by. I have managed to get therapy during this time which is slowly helping, yet difficult as it brings up a lot of old thoughts and feelings.

Of course during all of this, the world has experienced a pandemic (ongoing!) and it has caused a massive chain of events that has changed everything for everyone. I haven’t really had the time to sit down and blog.

Dissociation

I haven’t posted for a few days; I have been going through the motions of life but haven’t really been “here.”

Had a phone call that told me I am going to get some help, but it will take a month or two of waiting. Like I have said before I KNOW there are people out there that need the help more than me but I feel fucking helpless and want to get this sorted out.

It’s infuriating to just sit here and wait for life to go by until I feel like I can function again. I am doing all the “right” things (nearly) like getting out and about, fresh air, exercise, talking about my feelings and it doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t want to go on like this for months until I can see somebody.

One of the “problems” is I am low risk. I don’t want to kill myself. That’s music to the ears of the psych team as that means they can prioritize those that do. I’m glad of that. I have lost too many people to suicide to think that I need the help more than those do. It’s just fucking depressing to be left waiting. It is making me feel worse. My anxiety is building at the thought of going to these appointments.

One of the biggest problems I am facing currently is the “dissociation” thing. I feel like I have left my own body and am watching down at my life continuing. I’m not really here alot of the time. It’s similar to when someone is boring you to death and your eyes glaze over; but its constant – bored or not. It’s a real stumbling block that is affecting my mood more because people around me are noticing it. Maybe when I was working I could focus on a task more and be “busy” but now I look distant and like I don’t give a shit.

I’m going to go back to the doctors to see if there is anything else can be done in the interim period of “no therapy” because it can’t be right to just continue like this? I don’t know if that is the norm or not.

This is a very self pitying post and I fully realize that. I am in the kind of mood where feeling a little sorry for myself is proving cathartic so typing all of this and eating junk is a good idea.

Post Natal Depression

I suppose this post it to explain a little more about the “types” of mental health issues I have faced. I have suffered from anxiety and depression to varying degrees for the last 15 years. During my first pregnancy; I had to stop taking medication that helped control this.
Surprisingly, I did fine. I think the fact I was vomiting up to 30 times a day took my mind off my feelings, I had time for little else other than sleep.

Of course I was young and naive. I thought it was going to be a walk in the park – I was off my tablets, I would have a new baby to play with and I could do all the things new Mums got to do!

Unfortunately this didn’t work out the way I intended. During childbirth I had a near death experience resulting in indescribable trauma. The next few months meant little to me. I felt nothing, I barely remember visitors, nappy changes -anything. Hormone fluctuations are some serious shit. They send you bananas. It wasn’t easy to see how low I had gotten until I realized I didn’t leave the house unless absolutely necessary.

Having a new baby is meant to be this magical time – what the fuck?? Why is it so draining and difficult?! The guilt I felt that I wasn’t enjoying my experience as a new mother overtook my mind. I admitted to the doctor that I needed help again so I reverted back to medication.

With this brought new problems; I was going out more! This is good stuff. Until – it’s there – anxiety is creeping up and ready to strike at any one time.

Someone looks at me funny on a bus? Someone leans towards the pram to say hello? Somebody is walking too fast toward me? Any one of these situations would give me internal turmoil. My brain just couldn’t deal with it. It isn’t rational to stand their and think “this cute old lady will kill me and my child” but that is the thought process of an anxious mind. Fight or flight always kicked in and I would be off in the other direction, going home or getting off the bus far too early just to escape people.

Despite 15 years of bad mental health being an absolute piss take, it has given me the tools to understand when things are getting “too bad” and when I need to seek help for thoughts/feelings or actions. This helped during the worst times of post natal depression as I felt I could approach the professional services and get the help I needed. It took me 2.5 years to accept that child birth had caused me unfathomable mental trauma – with that I was referred to a cognitive behavioral therapist who excelled in understanding my needs. There are times I would visit her and she would put aside the plans for the session and ask me how the last week had been. She could see the depression oozing from me; from the way I sat, spoke, looked. It still amazes me how tuned in she was to what I needed.

CBT was a rocky road for me. Some sessions would leave me feeling positive and like I had goals to reach – other sessions would be a slog; I’d feel drained and worthless. This wasn’t down to the Doctor or her methods it was simply the fact I had spent an hour talking about things that made me sad.

Some things can be fixed or changed whereas others need more time or just cannot be altered at all. I found the latter hard to cope with – surely the idea of CBT is to fix everything?

It is with these methods that I soon learnt that CBT is geared more towards changing your thought patterns. It’s unfortunate I couldn’t continue these sessions as a quick reminder of this would probably help. It’s not always possible to see these things when you’re in a dark place. Maybe I should stick a post it note on my forehead reminding me.

It’s safe to say CBT really helped my post natal depression after a block of 10 sessions. I remained on the medication afterwards and changed my thought patterns for a while (!) but its a shame this hasn’t stuck. It’s incredibly hard to train your brain to think a completely different way to how you’ve thought for years.

The Problem With This

Of course, typing all of this up helps me. However; the evening of my first 2 blog posts brought me some pretty horrible nightmares. The talk of friends who had lost their fight with mental health and succumbed to suicide must have really got to me.

I am having a pretty mediocre day today and in terms of how I have been feeling – that’s good. I’m keeping busy, I’ve been outdoors, I’ve rested. All the things the doctor suggested I do. I am even going to exercise later (!)

Some days this all seems achievable and luckily today is one of them. Other day’s the idea of doing more than I NEED to sends me crashing. As I have previously said- I am high functioning. For those who don’t know what that means, it’s that I can’t just SIT. That doesn’t stop my brain from having a “walking through custard” day. The kind of day where even putting socks on pisses me off. Where I want to get out and go and meet up with friends but anxiety gets the better of me and fuzzes my head over. Those day’s I find the worst. I cannot complete tasks, I cannot focus. These are the things I really want to do.

On good days I have been visiting friends or inviting them round; I have learnt that most people I know have experienced some kind of mental health problems. I have sought solace in these friendships; these lovely people have reached out and given me a minute of their time and I hope I have done the same for them. Mental health is so complex that nobodies story is going to be exactly the same yet many experiences are similar and comparable.

Misconceptions

This is something that I have become much more aware of lately. I feel the constant need to explain myself to people because I have been signed off work yet am still so high functioning. Not every person that suffers from depression want’s to lie in bed and cry. If you do; fair enough but I don’t!

Of course I have days where I sit and binge watch crap but I know it get’s me nowhere. My brain craves busyness, it need’s to be focusing on something or I will get worse. It is hard for me to understand that I am unable to be at work but I still have to do things to keep my brain occupied. Surely, being at work will solve that? Not according to my doctor. I am pretty sure there are people at work that feel this too and hold some resentment to my absence.

It’s unbearably hard to know you are ‘letting people down’ by not being present. Unbearably hard. Despite being told not to feel guilty about it; not to let it worry me; not to make it my problem and so on… I can’t! I DO feel guilt. I DO worry. I feel like it IS my problem. When you pack so much time and energy into something that you physically and mentally burn out; it is hard to detach yourself from it when you are made to.

I didn’t want to be signed off work. The doctor suggested it and I refused. When we went through my other options; there was no chance of a medication increase and no quick solution to therapy services so I admitted defeat and took the leave.

Initially; the reluctance to admit I needed the time off made me want to go back to work more. After a stern telling off from various close friends/family members; I am not allowing myself to go back until I feel ready*.

*I wrote “better” and edited to ‘ready’. I am unsure if you can become better from this kind of illness. It’s been a struggle for half my life and I can’t see the way out.

I must admit I am quietly terrified that I won’t feel ready. I am usually bouncing back by now but this time it feels more sinister.

I have lost multiple friends due to suicide, addiction, mental health issues recently. It seems in certain circles; if you are crying out for help and threatening suicide you are seen as an attention seeker. The minute somebody actually goes and ends it; it’s a tragedy. It’s backwards thinking. I am grateful that I am within multiple social circles that fucking GET IT and don’t see these thing’s as a cry for help, they see the real shit that some people are scared to talk about.

There are so many varying misconceptions of mental health; I understand it’s a massive scale to work on but simply understanding that it is not all black and white can make things ALOT easier for someone who is suffering. To laugh and say “you smile a lot for someone who is depressed” is the most nonconstructive way to appraise someones health. Not that it’s your fucking job to be appraising me anyway. Luckily the person that said this is not a friend, nor a close acquaintance and I certainly won’t be seeing them again.

To awkwardly ignore a mental health conversation then rudely interrupt with bullshit is not the way to deal with things either. If you don’t understand mental health then read up on it; don’t disrespect someone just because you are too ignorant to do any research. You don’t have to suffer from these things to try and understand them or show empathy to a situation.

The Start

So I may as well start from now – I could start from the beginning but that will mean thinking back over 15 years of shitty mental health. Not really in a place to be doing that right now!

I am in crisis. I am sure that is what it’s called. I have pushed and pushed myself and now I have broke. Things have got too much and I cannot cope. The NHS have placed me on their list for psychological assessment; however because I don’t particularly want to die – I am waiting. I understand there are people of greater need out there that need to access these services before I do but I feel like I am being forgotten about. I am desperate to go and speak to an unknown face; to figure all of this out.

I have such a good support system. So many people who love me and want to help; yet I struggle to talk to them because it will result in them feeling upset or concerned. I suppose one of the downsides of all of this is I subconciously shut people out too; maybe it’s a coping mechanism so I don’t unload more problems on them. Who knows.

I have tried Cognitive Behavioral Therapy before. It worked for a short while but things bubbled up and boiled over within a few months of being signed off from my sessions. The doctor thinks it could work again but suggested we “step up” a level to try and get to the bottom of this.

I’d like to think my behaviors are circumstantial but after 15 years of mental health issues; I’m starting to think it is just me. Bad things happen to everyone at varying times of their lives; yet they get through it. Some may have a rough patch but bounce back. I struggle to find my way out and this is what scares me. After realizing it’s obviously a behavioral trait; I re-visited the doctor to find out what they could do. My medication was upped over winter as they suspected it was Seasonal Affective Disorder. Unfortunately, this had little to no effect and I am experiencing Summer being back to square one.