Intrusive Thoughts

Whilst chatting with a friend, she revealed that everyone has intrusive thoughts. I found that hard to believe, some people seem far too level headed for that shit.

So I spent a little time researching it and apparently it is true – nearly everyone will have experienced intrusive thoughts at some point in their life.

You see the idea of the thoughts is not that you want to harm, hurt or do anything bad – it’s just a thought. It’s not an action. There is no intent behind it.

When I experience intrusive thoughts- I panic. I feel like a complete nut case and wonder what the fuck my head is doing to me. I had them so often at one point that I continually that I thought I was losing my mind.

I’ve mentioned in previous blogs that I had post natal depression and anxiety. During that time the intrusive thoughts were so intense that I would feel debilitated. A simple trip to the shops would end in panic attacks. Bus journeys would send my anxiety through the roof. People talking to my baby – no! I felt like everyone was a threat.

The problem with these thoughts is that when I look back, I know they are completely irrational (that majority of the time!) and I know that my brain is thinking them because ultimately I want to protect my babies. That being said; when I am in the full throes of a panic attack there is absolutely no way I can use that rationale. It is just not possible.

Apparently it is something to do with fight or flight, the adrenaline, the brain preparing you for potential conflict. It’s a useful tool to have, it’s just a shame it is something that massively clouds judgement and ‘normal’ behaviour.

During my research, I learnt that intrusive thoughts can be particularly bad for a person with OCD. This is something my therapist has suggested I may be suffering from – we are going to look into it when my sessions come to a close. That could explain the severity of the intrusive thoughts and could provide some insight as to why they can feel so debilitating.

I am now learning to accept these intrusive thoughts, allow them in but not let them take a hold. It is really fucking hard. There are days I just can’t do that. But the good days are outweighing the bad at the moment, so I am certainly achieving something.

xo