Dissociation

I haven’t posted for a few days; I have been going through the motions of life but haven’t really been “here.”

Had a phone call that told me I am going to get some help, but it will take a month or two of waiting. Like I have said before I KNOW there are people out there that need the help more than me but I feel fucking helpless and want to get this sorted out.

It’s infuriating to just sit here and wait for life to go by until I feel like I can function again. I am doing all the “right” things (nearly) like getting out and about, fresh air, exercise, talking about my feelings and it doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t want to go on like this for months until I can see somebody.

One of the “problems” is I am low risk. I don’t want to kill myself. That’s music to the ears of the psych team as that means they can prioritize those that do. I’m glad of that. I have lost too many people to suicide to think that I need the help more than those do. It’s just fucking depressing to be left waiting. It is making me feel worse. My anxiety is building at the thought of going to these appointments.

One of the biggest problems I am facing currently is the “dissociation” thing. I feel like I have left my own body and am watching down at my life continuing. I’m not really here alot of the time. It’s similar to when someone is boring you to death and your eyes glaze over; but its constant – bored or not. It’s a real stumbling block that is affecting my mood more because people around me are noticing it. Maybe when I was working I could focus on a task more and be “busy” but now I look distant and like I don’t give a shit.

I’m going to go back to the doctors to see if there is anything else can be done in the interim period of “no therapy” because it can’t be right to just continue like this? I don’t know if that is the norm or not.

This is a very self pitying post and I fully realize that. I am in the kind of mood where feeling a little sorry for myself is proving cathartic so typing all of this and eating junk is a good idea.

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