The Start

So I may as well start from now – I could start from the beginning but that will mean thinking back over 15 years of shitty mental health. Not really in a place to be doing that right now!

I am in crisis. I am sure that is what it’s called. I have pushed and pushed myself and now I have broke. Things have got too much and I cannot cope. The NHS have placed me on their list for psychological assessment; however because I don’t particularly want to die – I am waiting. I understand there are people of greater need out there that need to access these services before I do but I feel like I am being forgotten about. I am desperate to go and speak to an unknown face; to figure all of this out.

I have such a good support system. So many people who love me and want to help; yet I struggle to talk to them because it will result in them feeling upset or concerned. I suppose one of the downsides of all of this is I subconciously shut people out too; maybe it’s a coping mechanism so I don’t unload more problems on them. Who knows.

I have tried Cognitive Behavioral Therapy before. It worked for a short while but things bubbled up and boiled over within a few months of being signed off from my sessions. The doctor thinks it could work again but suggested we “step up” a level to try and get to the bottom of this.

I’d like to think my behaviors are circumstantial but after 15 years of mental health issues; I’m starting to think it is just me. Bad things happen to everyone at varying times of their lives; yet they get through it. Some may have a rough patch but bounce back. I struggle to find my way out and this is what scares me. After realizing it’s obviously a behavioral trait; I re-visited the doctor to find out what they could do. My medication was upped over winter as they suspected it was Seasonal Affective Disorder. Unfortunately, this had little to no effect and I am experiencing Summer being back to square one.

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